Dick Pics

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Meanwhile….
Back in Australia …

The actual dick pick story.

I got distracted when I began to write about this phenomena last time and never got to the ‘balls’ of the story.

Here’s is how a more experienced online dating person does it:

The basics

1. Open App and see who is around.
2. Swipe – let’s go with ‘like’ to progress this situation.
3. It’s a match!
4. Wait and see if he initiates conversation.

A good way to see if he may be an all-rounder with the initiating thing. Conversation, dates, showers, sleeping in… Ok SEX – I’m referring to SEX !!!
5. Be assertive and you initiate it because maybe he’s one of ‘those’ guys who has a thing about “meh meh meh Wah Wah Wah why does the guy have to be the one who says something first??” (Inserts random emoji)

Well, because you are the man and a man is ‘the man’. Let’s talk old skool… No…Really, really old school: Caveman Style.

He has a club. He goes hunting and gathering with his club. Bang bang on prey and knock out. Drag prey home.

He has a woman he hunted and gathered. He gathers food for her and feeds her. He protects her from wild animals (aka other potentials) by being all ‘manly’ grrr and taking care of her. Sure he might pull her hair and make animalistic noises to show he loves her but maybe she likes a man who takes control when it matters… Anyway…Diversion….

Where was I?
6. Chat back and forth to get a feel for each other.
7. Unmatch dickheads with attitudes.
8. Unmatch Ghosters (check the urban dictionary).
9. Unmatch men who are on the shorter side who clearly didn’t read your profile then become angry (short) man at you…Geez!
10. Decide if you want to swap numbers. I don’t often give mine out but take theirs, think about it.
11. Remind them that there will be NO sending of penis photos or immediate blocking will occur (all of them say ‘OMG as if I would do that! Who does that?  Yeah, yeah.
12. Text a “hello” with a photo of myself (clothed!) to prove I am in fact real if I think they are ok. I have the ‘block number’ option which is always a good back up plan.

In between these points are issues such as:

# I don’t come on here often
# I prefer to talk on the phone
# I don’t like online dating
# I prefer real in person dating
# Are you one of those girls who chats forever and never meets?
… And the rest (including want to come over?)

Now, here’s the thing…

This IS in fact ‘Online Dating’

You ARE actually ‘Online’ and meeting people you may be lucky enough, or not, to date.

You are NOT in front of them.

This is NOT a bar and chances are, you along with the rest of the sausage fest would be jostling for the chance to get my number and you may not even make it to a real life conversation therefore online gives you a more open opportunity.

So you don’t come on here often? Well why bother putting up a profile?

Do I chat forever and never meet? No, but you need to give me a reason to want to meet you by chatting and that’s associated with this thing called ‘effort’ mixed with a little ‘interest’ GAHhhhhhhh!!!

I’ll put this out there: I don’t have a problem finding a number of men to chat with as potentials and I’m sure most seemingly normal adults are in a similar position. Being that we have many options, be that guy who chases what he wants (pending of course she has shown interest otherwise that’s a bit creepy!) and give me a reason to want to engage in conversation with you and not them. A little fight in you for what you want is good!

Oh by the way, maybe consider removing the photo of your ex with you.

Also perhaps the very new baby your ex must have just given birth to. I see you are now online but you are ‘the best dad ever’. Ewww (please refer back to what a real man is). You could just write that you have children instead of posting photos of innocent kids on an adult dating site. Maybe it’s just me but I just don’t feel right looking at photos of children I don’t know… As much as you love them, it’s a dating site.

While we are at it, write something on your profile. No info = no effort / arrogance / trolling / something to hide.
No photo = no chance

So where was I?

Oh yes penises.

We must again discuss the Schlong. The Doodle. The Sausage. The Prick. The Dick. The Rod. The Magic Wand. The Gearstick. The Beast. The Pole. The Soldier. The PENIS and the (male) crowd favourite The Cock.

I do not want your cherished proud-as-pie penis selfie.

Why would I want to see that?

Your manhood and I have not met. We are not friends. We are not on endearing name terms and we are definitely not ready for naked time. Regardless of how huge you think it is. Regardless of what you see in movies or read about women and what we want in a man/penis. Regardless of how incredibly beautiful you think yours is, STOP IT! Stop it NOW!

I have had conversations with guys about this topic and they all (ok exceptions to a couple) say “Oh, but mine is nice, you would like mine.”

You know what. The truth is. I probably would like yours. Not because it is anything more special than the next but because if we are dating and I like you, I will like all that you are. The whole ‘package’. (Hahahaha see what I did there?) The eyes, the smile, the humour and yes the man junk. I’m not saying that stuff is pretty, don’t get me wrong, but it is part of the person you are with. It is personal and intimate.

Hey, go for it if you have been naked with someone already and they like that kind of thing but STOP texting your Dick Pic superstar selfies to strangers!
Just to add this in too: there will never be a point where an up close vagina selfie will be taken and shared by me either. #nonothatsnotgoingtohappen

 

Actual story…One of many but I have seemingly gained experience on how to avoid both the penis photos and the men who send them.

A guy on POF (Plenty of Fish) reads my profile and sends me a message. My profile had something like ‘give me a reason to notice you.’
He highlighted this in his messages. Ok that’s cool, he is making some effort and in this world that is refreshing.

We got through the above mentioned points and chatted. I wasn’t sure about him but he was enthusiastic so I said he could meet me on my break at work. He worked nearby so I wasn’t asking too much although him showering or at least changing and shaving may have been a bit impressive perhaps.

That day I worked a full shift so could take a one hour break but told him I only had half hour. I knew when I saw him he wasn’t my kinda guy and I was happy I went with the ‘half hour only’ option. (Also known as the get out of jail free card).

No spark from my end. We sat and had a snack at a cafe and chatted. I like to be open minded and understand this initial meeting is not easy. It’s full of anxiety and nerves so we can sometimes with be too quiet or talk too much to compensate. I know this because I am the same.

I went back to work at #rockwear and told my co-worker ‘nah’.

Now the girls I work with are lovely girls. I’m going to include one of their names because she is cool and won’t mind. Her name is Arnia. Arnia loves ‘love’. Well that’s how I see her.

She loves living single life through me with eye rolling stories and the excitement of ‘oh what’s he like?’

She loves babies and having babies. She is kind-hearted and wants the best for people. We have our moments when busy at work but ultimately I think she’s a wonderful human being and I want the best for her also.

She has always been vocal about her thoughts on me being single. She has often shown me her face of confusion as she states that she cannot understand how I am single. Basically she thinks highly of me in that way and wants to see me with a gorgeous kind man who deserves me (bless her sweet heart ❤️) and wants me to be happy.

I think she gets more frustrated by the number of duds I meet than I do. I’m used to it and it doesn’t surprise me anymore. She is always polite in her characterisations if she meets one, admitting in the aftermath what she REALLY thought! Funny stuff!

Arnia excitedly asks “soooo how did it go?”

I replied with a “Hmmm… Not really my kinda guy but I want to give him a chance. I do think he has just a bit too much energy for me.”

So whilst at work I don’t use my phone of course. I check it now and then if I go out the back room and might send a quick reply, as you do. I also take it with me on my breaks and respond to work and personal messages and calls.

Basically, I don’t have running conversations on my phone, is what I’m saying, and this is normal adult professional behaviour.

On Tuesdays, if I work, I finish at 5pm, check messages whilst walking to my car and then I drive to my class through peak hour traffic often arriving just before start time at 6pm.
Having blue tooth is great for replying to calls and multi tasking in the office/car. I had a text from (let’s call him Wingnut).

Well, actually a few texts.

Ranging from ‘you are beautiful’ to ‘I want to see you again, did you like me, did I pass?’

Then ‘oh, aren’t you talking to me now?’ And so on.

I had a lot of texts regarding work appointments for cosmetic tattoo that day and I always reply to work first then private. I quickly text him back to pacify him saying ‘Hey, I just finished work have not been with my phone.’

He replies straight away as ‘passive Wingnut’ saying ‘oh that’s ok. I wasn’t worried… Blah blah blahblahblah’. (Insert eye rolling from me)

I jump in car and start driving. I go about making phone calls and so on and he texts me again. I look down at red light and saw a phone full of texts so I ended up pulling over to see what the hell he was on about and ‘aggressive Wingnut’ says ‘Hey do you know the word “narcissistic “?’
I wrote ‘Yes it’s a great word’ as I’m starting to see the pages of him unfold and have a good idea where he is heading. I’m intelligent enough to take careful and specific steps with my responses.
He has now attached a dictionary meaning of the word and also a text saying ‘Do You think you are better than me?’ as a separate thought. This after another one asking if I wasn’t talking to him again. I had quickly written ‘driving’ when I was stopped. I do not text whilst driving I’m sorry!

So whilst on the side of the road wasting time I should be using to get to class on time but thinking I need to pacify mister aggressive, I reply: ‘I’m starting to feel a bit insulted actually.’
Passive Wingnut returns with ‘Oh no. I was just asking if you knew what a narcissist was.’

‘Ok I pulled over to reply but I need to get to class and I cannot text whilst I’m driving. Between this and work and teaching class I’m just unable to always reply straight away ok?’
Passive Wingnut understands ‘of course.’

I’m sure I don’t need to explain but now I’m going ‘WOAH’. I’m wondering how to quietly walk out of the room so he doesn’t notice and never be remembered of me again…. (NB not actually in a room with him).

I teach class, do my thing, eat, shower, talk to Naomi on Whatsapa about the Wingnut show that day and go to sleep.

He had sent more texts but was on iPhone so had IM. I had said I was going to be busy and didn’t open the texts (you can see if they have been read then). I thought I’d just deal with them in the morning and have a rest from Passive/Aggressive Wingnut for the night.

Wednesday mornings I get up earlier than usual as I teach a #Zumba Gold class at a retirement village quite a drive away especially through morning city traffic.

They are gorgeous. They are so much fun and full of life and always wondering about my single status, especially 83 year old Bill who is currently single and always the flirt – not just with me but also with my mum when she comes to visit! ❤️ them!

I do the usual thing and wake up, check texts then emails then FB then Tinder – if I am currently using it – In that order.

I had a bunch of texts from Wingnut as I knew, but when I opened it I had more surprises.

I was half asleep and a photo of an erect penis appears.

Now I have a new phone and therefore lost my texts otherwise I would post the text here. Not the photo but the accompanying message to justify it.

It went along the lines of…

“I know you don’t like these types of photos but IMO it’s best to be open and honest…
I think it’s best you have all the information I can give you to help you decide if I might be too big for you before you…

[ok are you ready for it??? Vomit bucket ready… Gag reflex under control…eewwww!!!] 

…allow me inside of you”

OMG OMG WTF???

So knowing I DO NOT ever like or want such a photo, he tries to find a reason to justify sending one. Seriously? That is how you try to give it a legitimate reason to be sent?

Side note… GROSS! He’s lying on his bed on his back.

It’s naked and erect pointing to the ceiling.

Wardrobe doors beside bed.

He is holding the base with one hand taking photo from side with the other.

Now gag even more at the Unmaintained bush region! Gahhhhh.

I enlarged the pic to remove the penis from the screen as I swipe it to the side and see a wirey mess of pubes… Ewww who does that?

I am laughing out loud in between being grossed out… Gotta send to friends! Gay friends, female friends.. Ewww
Let’s say we were all in agreement. Yuk!

I then replied to him:
“I wish you had not done this. I really don’t like men who share such things in messages with women they hardly know and I unfortunately would like to ask that you please don’t contact me any further.”

His response to this was acted out by Aggressive Wingnut of course, and the true colours were shown.

It was quite humorous.

FYI I am a Narcissist. This was his retaliation.

The use of a ‘big’ word does not make you an instant intellectual Wingnut. It is safe to say I had the upper hand there.

As soon as he replied, giving him the benefit of the doubt to be civil and failing, I simply blocked him from my phone.

My biggest problem was that my FB profile is completely public and he had been through it. I did not see his or know his FB name to be able to block him there. I needed to weed him out.

I thought to myself ‘He will be frantic over me blocking him and him not being able to get a response from me so he will go to FB for sure’.

Just the type of person he seems to be. He has to know what I’m doing and have access. I will write a post about Dick Pics and this situation and I guarantee he will write to me on FB as aggressive Wingnut comes out further.

Sure enough…

It didn’t take long and I had success! He sends me a PM on FB:

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I said nothing to him, just to myself… ‘T-dahhhh’ gotcha!’ You are now BLOCKED.

I’m sure he found a way to get around it with on another profile or a friend’s phone to see if I have talked about him more but guess what Wingnut, I forgot all about you until I started writing this blog and unfortunately there are not really any positives coming your way here.

I do have a copy of the Unmaintained erection…

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Note to men: I don’t need to repeat to not send Penis Selfies.
What I was going to say was, yeah, there’s not a whole lot of ‘sacred’ going on between Naomi and I, so she probably does know that you say weird things during sex and I don’t want to do that ever again with you, or you smell weird or can’t kiss or whatever. Idiosyncrasies I find off-putting.

Haha Calm down, I made those things up!

Or did I?

You may never know just how much detail is shared! #girltalk

❤️ Cass

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Best First Date Ever?!

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When your date shows up wearing a shark-eating-his-head-hat you know you’re going to be getting a good ab workout from laughing a whole lot!

April 2016

G was energetic and enthusiastic even when messaging which meant one of two things:

  1. Either, he was going to be a massive disappointment in person; or
  2. He was going to be a bit of a nutter!

He’d asked me to meet him Saturday afternoon outside King’s College London on the Strand. Organised the date TICK

And had suggested we both wear ‘fancy-dress hats’. I did admit that I didn’t have a fancy-dress hat – obviously masks don’t count – but said I did have a hat I could wear.

It turned out to be a beautiful sunny day so I didn’t wear my more winter-inspired hat.

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Along he came, not only with the shark-biting-his-head-hat but also a bright yellow cardigan and red shoes!

Confident, fun and outgoing TICK

(I have never taken a photo on a first date, but I had to sneak the one of him above just to prove it actually happened! See above ⇧)

The hat was a game – a point for every compliment from a passer-by – which I now had no chance of winning!

As soon as we walked into the courtyard at Somerset House people started pointing, laughing and commenting.

It was a great way to get people talking and laughing.

Naturally he was chatting back and explained more than a few times “we’re on a first date and we agreed to wear fancy-dress hats, but she didn’t wear hers.”

Needless to say I laughed a lot. But when it was my turn to wear the hat it didn’t quite have the same effect.

G had got us tickets to ‘Now Play This’, part of the London Games Festival. His aim was for us to play as many games as we could in the time that we had (he had to leave at 6pm).

There were a couple of games which caught our attention – one with lasers and hoola hoops (!) and another called The Heist. We had to wait for that one later in the afternoon.

In the mean time we went back out to the courtyard to play the laser and hoola hoop game which sounded promising.

In reality they took ages to set it up and we went to get a hot drink and red velvet cake and passed the time chatting and laughing whilst they seemed to be huddled in a group listening to someone explaining the rules of the game very badly.

We watched the game first from the most coveted seats in the house – the ground – and then (after managing to nab an elusive table and chairs) from a courtyard table and had no idea how it was supposed to work. We didn’t see any lasers and it was people randomly rolling hoola hoops with 70s inspired fabric squares in them.

Bit weird.

We walked back around and found a hop-scotch game with instructions at various points to ‘hold hands’, ‘give each other a compliment’, ‘say hi to a passer-by’ and then ‘race’!

That was fun and gave a good excuse to touch each other and say something cheesy 😉

Meanwhile, I think he’s made it to something like 16 points to my 2.

So, time for the Heist game. We were a bit late so ended up on different teams. I won and flirted my way to 14 points so we were tied.

Then we found the best game. Do you remember the computer game ‘Snakes’? Screen Shot 2016-04-07 at 00.54.26

It was a large-scale version projected onto the floor. One against the other.

You want to read that I won right?

No… damn it! I lost even when I should have won. I kept being red and yellow kept winning!

But, we had so much fun.

There weren’t many children around (you’d think there would be at a games festival right?!) but the three that were there basically hogged the snakes game. Rude!

We wondered down the hall and popped into different small rooms before we found the ‘nature’ room.

It had some kind of weird camp made out of sticks, cardboard and brown sacks. For some reason we went into that and sat there chatting with two German men who insisted on telling me there were spiders – just odd.

Then a greasy-haired guy came in too – I was beginning to get a bit freaked out at this point, you can understand that surely…?! – and we found out that he had created one of the games so off we went to play it.

It was set up on two computers facing away from each other. G and I sat on opposite sides of the table unable to see the other’s computer screen. We quickly worked out that we each controlled what was happening on the other’s screen.

Good communication was vital. Once I’d actually worked out where the arrow keys were (I was temporarily blinded…please don’t judge me) we were well on our way.  But then we came up against a block: what worked previously didn’t work anymore.

Of course at that point he went into man mode and tried to work it out himself without communicating and was just trying lots of different stuff on his own.

Then I had the brainwave! “Why don’t we try pressing them at the same time?’ Ta dah! High five!

One more go on hop-scotch on our way out – in the rain this time (how romantic…ahh).

Me: “Isn’t it time for you to go”… it was definitely past 6…

G: “I know, but I don’t want to” (result, he’s having a good time) 

Me: “That’s a good way to leave”

G: “oh, look there’s a bar”…starts walking in… stops…”no, I’d better go. Where’s your nearest tube? I’ll walk you there.”

I was one of those people smiling to myself on the tube as I went home replaying in my head the funny things that had happened, the smiles, the laughter, the compliments… Oh, and he dances salsa. Bonus!

 

SingleNaomi x

What’s been your best ever first date? Tell me in the comments below!

Find out what happened here: Setting a Precedent