The beginning of internet dating…


Well, for me anyway 😉

Since I’m not dating at the moment – in truth I’ve had the odd date here and there but nothing to write home about – I thought I’d tell you about when I first started the internet dating.

After I got divorced I went into possibly the worst relationship experience of my life. At some point I’m sure I’ll get around to writing about it, but you probably wouldn’t believe it was real because it sounds like a soap opera. And I’m not kidding. One of my very close friends recently told me that the guy in question apologised to her a short while ago. Apparently, he said he had come to realise that what he did, affected a great deal more people than he knew, and that he would apologise to everyone, starting with her. As far as I am aware he hasn’t apologised to anyone else and he certainly hasn’t apologised to me yet! I wonder if that will happen before I die. I am not going to count on it!

One of my very close friends recently told me that the guy in question apologised to her a short while ago. Apparently, he said he had come to realise that what he did, affected a great deal more people than he knew, and that he would apologise to everyone, starting with her. As far as I am aware he hasn’t apologised to anyone else and he certainly hasn’t apologised to me yet! I wonder if that will happen before I die. I am not going to count on it!

If you knew me at that time you may have seen me lose a LOT of weight. I have never been able to diet. As soon as I tell myself no more chocolate, I’ll buy 2 slabs of chocolate and eat it all. Then a tube of Pringles- a big one – and eat it all. I don’t eat loads of junk food, but if my brain says ‘diet’ my body reacts and eats a whole load of crap! I love food – that’s a given having Italian blood though right…? – and I could never give it up (shake anyone…?!)

The effect that relationship had on me was huge. I actually stopped eating. There was a time when I hibernated in my room and survived on a biscuit a day. I kid you not.

Want to know what saved me?

Actually, it’s a who…


Michael McIntyre. I will forever love him. In my darkest moments, he had me laughing out loud with belly laughs. I know his shows word for word and I still laugh belly laughs watching them. He got me back out of my room, smiling about life.

About a year later I told a close group of friends I was ready: I was going to get online and meet some guys (at the time I was living back home with my parents in a small town most of whom I knew from childhood and I was NOT going there!). Go on dates, have fun. If anything it would show me how many guys are out there – sometimes we can get fixated that the person in front of us is the only person. It’s them or no-one. That’s not reality.

I was going to go on dates and have fun! (Not sure it completely lived up to my expectations, but there were times when I loved dating)

If anything, I thought it would show me just how many guys are out there – sometimes we can get fixated that the person in front of us is the only person. It’s them or no-one. That’s not reality. Not everyone you date is going to be right for you. You might really like them and they don’t like you so much. They might feel like you’re a perfect fit but you don’t agree. Sometimes neither of you are particularly interested in the other. And that’s ok because you don’t want to settle, right!?

I do believe that as women we can get to the point where we go on a date and think the guy has to like us. We whine to our friends “Why didn’t he text or call to see if I got home?!”, “Why hasn’t he asked me out again?”, “What did I do wrong?” You didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe he just wasn’t that into you. Maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself “Is he someone I’d like to spend time with? Is he good for me? Or do I just want him to like me to satisfy my ego?” was my website of choice. I liked that you have to input a minimum of information as well as photos so at least you know something about the person, other than what they look like.

I diligently filled out my profile, chose a variety of great photos and uploaded it all.

The other thing about Match that’s different from a lot of other dating sites and apps, is that anyone can message you.

That first night I joined Match I received 126 messages!!! There had to be someone in amongst all of those guys…


Being the considerate person that I am – or was, in this case – I decided I should reply to every single person who took the time to write to me. My thought was that if a guy had come up to me and started a conversation in a bar, it would be rude to just turn around and walk away without saying anything.

So, I spent hours replying whilst simultaneous screen-shotting messages and sending them to my friends and we shamelessly laughed and teased (how awful of us).

I thanked them for compliments. The outrageous got a strongly worded disapproving message. If I wasn’t interested I said as much. I’ve always been a firm believer in saying things how they are, so pretty much everyone received a polite ‘Thanks, but I’m not interested. Hope you find who you’re looking for’.

That is, until I got a really angry message back from one guy.

He was in a wheelchair and sent be back an enraged message of how dare I say I wasn’t interested just because he is disabled. I was devastated. I had no idea he was disabled – it wasn’t a reason. I just wasn’t interested. All I could see in his picture was his face and from looking at that and the message he sent I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t look at his profile.

I did reply to him but he had blocked me. Still, that wasn’t my fault and it said more about him. That’s a good thing to remember: How someone reacts say more about them than it does about you.

After that one I stuck to my guns and continued to reply to everyone. Some guys thanked me for being respectful but most didn’t reply and that was the end of that. Then came another angry message: He told me it would be better if I just ignored them and didn’t reply. So, I changed tack – and to be honest the messaged kept coming and I was getting fed up replying to people.

From then on, the end of my profile read:

“FYI I will not reply if I’m not interested. I tried replying to everyone but it ended up being worse.

p.s. If you ‘wink’ at me or ‘favourite’ me or write me a message that just says “hi”, I won’t be in touch or reply.”

This may be the era of equality and strong women but we still want men to be men. I do anyway. I want a man to make a move. If I see someone I like I’ll write them a message. But if you just wink at me or add me to your favourites but never even start a conversation…What’s the point?!

I suppose a lot of it is an ego boost. Maybe they get a buzz when they get a wink, a match or a  favourite. Quite frankly, it’s a waste of time in my opinion.

Unfortunately I deleted a bunch of the early ones, but here are some of the more amusing messages I’ve received (I won’t bore you with the hundreds of very original ‘hi, you look hot”, “hi, how are you?” and “hi, i’m from hastings” messages).

Typos and misspellings have been left unaltered.

The poet:

Hello miss

I see your photo &

My thoughts of you are like raindrops on flowers…

My thoughts of you are like a full moon shining through a cloudy night sky…


You are welcome to visit my profile & hope you like my food sculptures pictures

how are you?


Do you think this one’s getting at what I think he is…?

Whilst I may look like the angriest man in the world in my pics (must take a look at that), I am a very happy guy and full of life and energy, which I want to share with someone. Looks like you may have all the energy you could ever need physically so maybe we can share on a different level?


Ok, just come straight out and say it!

I just want to lick you out

Uh, no thanks.

This one made me laugh out loud (Match thought I lived in Broad Oak. I didn’t):

No idea where it is but the blokes in Broad Oak must be either blind or gay. Six pack, stunner and cool. Well enough about me but you ain’t half bad either. I’m moving to Broad Oak.

Bit of an odd opener:

…me and my mates are looking at what’s hopefully going to be the biggest new good trend, edible insects. We’re making a health food bar based around insect protein.

Not for me…!

Older men who love to think they will be the one you will make an exception for. My profile said I was looking for someone between 30 and 38. Did they count differently in your day? 53 doesn’t cut it!

Lovely photos and profile. It’s good to meet you.

Older honest loyal gent with integrity and a zest for life and fun.

often laughing at myself, smiling, would love to share a special moment with “the one”….

Do you have a chemistry set to test us for that elusive click???


The first add I have read that I actually wanted to go on longer!!

You’re intriguing and seem pretty special (in a nice way!)

I like to think I can dance but it’s not too coordinated!

I don’t think for one minute that I am going to get away with being 35 with 5 years experience. However I wouldn’t want to never know if there could have been a connection.

Dave x

Ok, so he had me laughing and I almost caved! An ‘add’… oh man, I’m advertising myself!

Younger men being all ‘mature’:

Despite not meeting your age request, I thought id ask you a a question anyways, do you believe we were right to go out to the Middle East?

You’re 25 and that’s your opening line?!

The cheesy chat up lines:

Hi how are you ? Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have we never gone on a date?

If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world…

Now as cheesy chat up lines go if that didn’t break the ice and make you smile i don’t know what will

Trying to tempt me into saying “no, I’m not…?”

Hey Naomi

I just read your profile. Brilliant…

If you didn’t so god dam amazing too I would attempt to engage in conversation with you!

You are way out of league I not even gonna try!!!

Not with that grammar…!

First dates ideas. What do you think?

Hi! How are you? I’m Lee. Would you say for a first date going drifting where you get taught how to do doughnuts and control a car in a power slide around a track a good idea?

evening evening my lady,,, you have the most perfect teeth!! ching ching….

Hope you have had a great weekend and are having a relaxing sunday eve ….

you have pretty special eyes too, who ever created you is a genius!! bravo! 🙂

Be great to chat ,, if not then good luck and enjoy your week

C x

Ooh, well done mum and dad! I always thought I had big teeth. Oh wait, you say that to everyone… 

Beware the liars. This guy sent me this message, I never replied and then a while later send me the exact same message! Who are you trying to kid?!

Hey Naomi,

Pls forgive the wink and short email..

I am just sat on a plane and wanted to reach out..

If I may I will send u a longer more interesting email once I land haha

Have a great evening


The “What the hell am I reading?” messages:

Don’t fuck about I’m a better dancer then you

Every so often someone would take the time to write a really nice message, and they’re justa  little insecure…

Hey there Naomi

I was just browsing and came across your profile and thought she seems really cool..

I am from London but was working in South East Asia for a while so have returned back home… Miss the lovely weather 🙂

You probably get loads of messages and so to be honest…why would you want to reply to mine…But….

I’m Open-minded, Generous, Happy, Fun, love to travel, love to meet new people, love music, extremely spontaneous and impulsive, ambitious and passionate about everything I do

I’m very much into Karma and Aura, and how things happen for a reason..and so in that state..I’m going to see if we are meant to be friends (which would mean you will reply to me)…or not.

Like Dr Pepper says “try might like it”

Hope to hear from you


PS a joke for you :

Whats the difference between the people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The People from Dubai do not watch “The Flintstones” where as the people from Abu Dhabi doooo!


Hi fitness entrepreneur who likes chocolate,

photo 8 … let me guess, Zumba … there is no single man in the auditorium (except the guy with the camera … perv). I would be terrified of tripping, kicking the chair off the stage or forgetting the next move and while thinking about it, everybody imitating me. How do you do that ??

Your sincerely,

Chocolate entrepreneur who likes fitness

The more quirky and inventive messages:

Aloha, Naomi.

Curiosity, the old mother of intelligence, led me to write this quick little letter to you.

As my silly profile text do a poor job at saying much about the person writing it I will attempt to introduce myself here:

My name is Rocko.

I am 72.8% water.

Leader of a small gang of book cover designers by day and children’s book illustrator by night.

I have learned how to ignite the fire within from an early age (learned that you shouldn’t place a fork inside a microwave oven around the same time) and luckily found my own voice in this crazy world.

If you didn’t find this little intro too weird and think that it could be fun to go for a milkshake with a guy like me someday why don’t you write me a line and say hello?

We could both end up with a new friend…

Stay cool, hang loose, admit nothing,


Pretty much a marriage proposal…Well, if I end up getting desperate, I have his number! I wonder if it’s still his (I was trying to remember how long ago this was. I think it was 2014)

Hello Beaituful,

You are the princess I am waiting for longtime. Your pitures and profile drescription catch my attension. I am Belal, 25 years old. I am working as a cheff in a indian restaurnt . I am free everyday evening. I want to go out for a dinner/coffee/drink with you whenever is suitable for you. I am leaving my number for you


. May be you can say hello in whats app.

I have good socialiable income and I am sure my girlfriend will be the happiest woman ever.

So, dont delay if you want to be the happiest woman ever. wink me and be happy in return.

with love


This one knows something I don’t know…

Hi how are you? You look like my future wife.?You are very pretty and attractive.your first impression is great.

I like get to know you better.i am IT expert.

Would you like go for drink?you seem kind person.

I am looking for serious relationship if i met the right person and i

Hope to hear from you soon

I like you and want to spend my life with you

The wear your heart on your sleeve kind of guy:

Hi how are you, i just want to tell you want to go to date with nice girl who love me care about me n I do the same for her and we respect to each other’s. I do construction work I do hard work n believe in hard work.

Wow princess u look amazing and out this world x I’d love to have a princess like u to sweep u off ur feet to cloud nine and make u mine x do u have what’s app so I may get to know u better sweetheart xxx if u ain’t shy xx

hi naomi so nice to see your profile it did make me smile. May i ask where are you from? I live near battersea and work near st pauls .

Ok a little more about me, lets see if this is better ( and so you do not think i am some type of freak or workaholic who crunches numbers all day to work out company performances,lol), I have been single now since may of last year, i finished the relationship myself but it lasted for 3 years, got v messy at the end and to be honest, i kinda buried myself into my work, went off to the US and recently decided i should join society. A friend of mine told me about the site so i thought i would give it ago, i am the kinda person who wears his heart on his sleeve so the idea of looking for someone for just one thing does not interest me at all (even though i do get some v weird messages on the site!)if i did want just that it would be easier to get it from a club or bar but the sex would be crap and it would mean nothing and then you have all that bullshit to follow the next day, no thank you! would just be nice to meet someone i kinda click with and see what develops, do i sound too soppy now,lol

Maybe stop saying all that in your first message and you might get somewhere…

And so the joys of internet dating had begun for me…

I hope you’ve been sufficiently amused 😉

SingleNaomi x


Tinder Takeover!


My time on Tinder is not all serious looking for ‘the one’. 

I have to admit that sometimes I do just amuse myself on Tinder. 

And sometimes friends do a Tinder Takeover.
The following conversations happened in the early hours after a heavy night celebrating the birthday of one of my dear friends.

The conversations were mostly conducted by an Australian male friend with other people adding the occasional hilarious suggestion. 

I will not be held responsible for you peeing your pants when you read this…


That was the end of that conversation.

And then there was this one: 

We didn’t talk seriously…

Then there was:


And all in one night in the early hours of the morning 🙈