Cake Guy

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69733C53-FB1E-49EC-B19F-653C4CED955FAnd it happens again… 
The whole jostle between open minded optimism and instinctive experience saying ‘back off’ is a never ending cycle.

I see hundreds of couples each week. Some look like they obviously fit together and some make me ask myself ‘how did that happen?’ But they are clearly happy and they found one another. Do they work? Are they going to last? Well that’s none of my business but right now, they are together and I am still single and there’s clearly something wrong with me I am unaware of. I have my ideas that no one seems to be willing to admit to. All I hear is ‘How are you possibly single?’ Then they let me continue that way.

C1F3AAB3-97CE-41AF-96E0-897E41F999FC.jpegI am the queen of meeting men who are not ready, not single enough, not in the right place. I meet an amazing man and wonder what is wrong with him these days because experience shows there is always ‘something’. The most common is that they are recently single. They think they are ready, they jump right in excited to have met me. I ask the questions and they tell me they are ‘over it’. In the back of my mind I am sceptical but I want to be open minded. What if I push away the guy I’ve been waiting to find? What if he really is solid and in control of his emotional well being? What do I have to lose? I will just be on my own and that’s where I am right now anyway.

The thing is, being open minded means allowing someone in. It means allowing feelings to grow. I’m torn between feeling and denying feelings. If I’m honest though, I do care about humans easily in many different ways. I may not be the best at expressing those feelings physically but I make up for it in thoughtfulness and generosity.

I love to laugh and someone who can make me laugh earns big points. Someone who makes effort is a huge bonus. Add to that attraction and I’m finding it difficult to deny the potential.

Let’s talk about ‘Cake Guy’.

He was a true Tinder surprise.
So yes, I have kept my tinder profile active in the light of ‘you never know’. I’ve explained before that i don’t pay too much importance on it in my life but it keeps me occupied at home alone, hiding from the world socially and who knows?

Cake Guy had a simple profile with nice photos sharing a kind, happy smile. He looked active, was a good age and just seemed like someone I should at least chat with.

I swiped and we matched.

He wrote to me first which is what I like. Even though it’s a modern way of connecting, I think you can still keep some old fashioned ways. It is a modern way of the man making the first move. So we chatted a little on Tuesday and what I rarely do is share my phone number. The last time I did was a year before this. Let’s go back to ‘Fist Pump’. He was a similar connection and that didn’t work out either. We sent some messages and then just thought we should speak on the phone instead of a million messages. So much laughter!

4A8D0885-A49D-44A6-8993-37B96E600864

We wanted to meet … another thing that I don’t do easily. He arranged to have lunch with me the next day. He arrived and he was gorgeous! Tall and handsome and with an awesome smile. When he went back to his car to grab something I quickly sent a voice message to Naomi to tell her this surprising positive update (there are many on the less than positive side!). We walked to a cafe and it was so easy. Our food was not nice which made us laugh more! We walked back and he said ‘I like you’.

He also did some high kicks down the Main Street to be silly and I enjoyed how uncool he was, happy to just relax and have fun. My kind of person for sure. Some bad Dad Jokes that weren’t even funny, but the child like fun in it made me smile.

We talked and sent texts continually and those butterflies I had forgotten existed were right there. The smile hardly left my face. Great banter and a lot of attention. My phone would vibrate and I would look down and see his name in a message and smile. Finally a man who knows how to be the man!

Cake Guy has kids and has them one week on, one week off. It was his week with his kids. We chatted around his time with them. On Friday he came to visit me at work. I love that sort of surprise! On Saturday whilst on the phone on my way to work, I mentioned I needed to call a cake shop to ensure they stayed open and would reserve a particular cake for me. After work I needed to collect the cake and take it to a birthday dinner.

He asked did I have a fridge at work and I do. I added that I don’t have the particular cake shop I need anywhere near by, so I can’t take one into work. He said he asked because he could get one and bring it to me so I don’t have to worry after work. This is what he did.

A4B787AE-43D8-4471-9A11-460500A54F2FThis is what makes me stand up and notice someone. These are the types of things I do for people. I am the girl who is always thinking of how I can help make someone’s day easier, make them smile. This guy, ‘Cake Guy’ was someone like me. He was earning big bonus points and he wasn’t even trying it seems… it’s just who he is.

I’ve always hoped for a man who makes some effort. A man who is thoughtful and doesn’t question those thoughtful things. Could he be anymore perfect when it comes to what I consider normal human behaviour? Anymore of who I have been hoping would appear in my life one day?

Sunday he wanted to pick me up after work and wouldn’t tell me what our plans were. We went to a lovely restaurant for dinner. He looked at me and said ‘How are you single?’ One reason is because I tend to assume a guy isn’t interested and I friend zone them. I think I’m not a very romantic person in general and I keep things friendly. I tend to be quite shy physically initially so perhaps my body language doesn’t seem too encouraging either. Basically, I am not the world’s easiest girl to make out with! I am sure I give off that vibe.

I also don’t bother meeting guys often because they don’t keep my interest. I think it’s simple. I want a man who makes an effort. Without effort, you don’t keep my interest. I always think this way… if he isn’t prepared to make an effort at the start, what does that say about him down the track? I’m all about effort and I know I will always be there making effort for him. I’m extremely attentive and generous in many ways. Show me your respect and loyalty and you have all of mine and then some more. Being thoughtful, wanting to make him smile. The number of men who just don’t try is astounding. Basically, I just don’t go out and meet many men. I don’t enjoy feeling let down continually.

We went for a drive to a pretty place and had hot tea whilst we chatted and laughed some more. The whole night was laughter and great conversation. Obvious attraction to the point we told each other again, ‘I like you’.

2619BBB5-E1BA-4DEB-BA65-2934DE876865Cake Guy had to go away for work the next morning for a week. He was doing a road trip so I thought chatting to him as he drove would help him keep awake and keep some laughter in his day. It was a very long drive there and back taking the whole week. As the week wore on, the contact became less. I guess on the road you spend a lot of time thinking and who knows where his thoughts went.

So what’s wrong with Cake Guy?

I’m not saying there actually is but my thoughts are that he has only been single three months after a three year relationship. Yes I know everyone is different but I’ve met this man before… he says he is ready. I want to believe that but experience tells me it won’t work out. Why couldn’t I have met him in another three months time? I want him now. I am always ready!!! I am aware of where I’m at and who I am. I know everything I have ready to share. I long for the right man at the right time at the right place but I keep meeting either 95% man or 2% man – purely because he seems to have a penis. 95% man is perfect in all ways except one little issue… whatever it may actually be.

It’s already happening. He is already backing off. If I’m honest?  I have seen this happening so I’ve started to do the same myself. My thinking is that ‘If you wanted to you would’. The first week he was on the phone and texting non stop. Now he doesn’t respond, and texts all day have become one text if I’m lucky. Then a surprise phone call which makes me feel silly for assuming the worst. I’m keeping it distant regardless. For a start, I deserve better than that sort of behaviour and not because I am Cass, because I am a decent human being. Guys like me. They get excited to meet someone like me and jump right in. Then it fades out.

Do any other women wonder if there are other factors they don’t want to tell you?

Did you not look good enough naked?
Is your vagina ugly?
Are your boobs ugly?
Is your bum too wobbly?
Did you make weird faces?
Did you not feel good?
Are you crap in bed?

All those thoughts and more start entering your head when men do this this. You can’t help but start thinking too much about all sorts of reasons. You retrace conversation, moments, actions. You wonder…

Did he take something the wrong way?   Did he see something you weren’t aware he didn’t like?                                                    Did you talk too much?                               Did you not respond enough?

Just WT actual F?

 

E7DE59C3-6887-4160-B12A-9375C83A2092

 

To those reading whose response is ‘Not all guys are a let down’. ‘Maybe you choose the wrong guys’.  ‘You’re too picky’.  Just for some examples.

Don’t think I’ve not heard this before so let me put it simply. I see so much sadness and lack of self love in people who are in relationships because it is easier than being alone. They stay in relationships that are not healthy because they don’t want to deal with the other option. They stay for their kids. Whatever it is, they are unhappy and they are sad and they are possibly missing out on something amazing.

I had a conversation recently with two people close to me and asked them (both female) when the last time was they had sex with their partners. They were both grossed out by the thought and ‘over six months’ was an answer. Without going into this further, I don’t want that. I don’t need to always be having sex, but if I am with someone, I want to want to, and I want to be wanted. It’s an intimacy thing. It’s a willingness to want to please them and make them feel good, feel cared for, wanted, loved.

They find their partners disgusting physically. They don’t like their living habits. They also tell them this but nothing changes. Maybe with a different type of connection and communication they would work together and overcome this. They settle with life how it is. Don’t get me wrong. They both say they are happy with them as their friends and there is more to it than that.  Everyone accepts what they are willing to settle for and I am not here to judge them, only myself, and what I see I don’t want.  I want more. I’ll stay single rather than settle for something I need to pretend is right. I know it isn’t just about sex but I believe it is definitely about intimacy.

Whether that intimacy is physical or from the heart, I want to matter to someone who matters to me.

Cake Guy… we would actually be pretty bloody perfect when you are ready. Thanks for reminding me that great men do exist. Thanks for the laughs. Thanks for making me smile.

You are going to make some woman extremely lucky one day. I hope she knows this.  It would have been even more amazing had that lucky woman had been me.

Who knows, maybe you will work it out and come looking for me. There is a pretty good chance I’ll still be hiding from the world and still be single because you men are just becoming an endless let down and I want so much for that not to be the case.  I really do.  Please send me someone who makes me eat my words and not cake!

And people wonder why I’m single!
#thegoodonesarejustanllusion42A24E01-406F-4F48-AFDC-3278725CD84C

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Eyes Guy #5

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Oh yes it’s been a long home between stories. It’s been s very long time between love and excitement of potential romance. Some stories I write fresh and post later. Some stories I write later and post fresh. Some are not always exact as I don’t feel
It’s right to involve everything and bring negative light to a person.

The story of Eyes Guy got intense and it changed incredibly. It’s a serious story and will likely hit a raw spot with many of you for varied reasons. Let’s see if I can share the intensity of how it went down.

Eyes Guy met his Girlfriend on Tinder. I watched from a distance and was very excited to see him so happy. We have touched on this before as she ended up contacting me. So let’s leave that part alone! See previous blogs on her.

Turns out, their relationship was extremely volatile and on and off like a light switch. I felt he needed someone one day as I did now and then so I asked him did he want to meet at a cafe. He did. We did. It was nice, he wanted to talk. He had stuff he was dealing with. Of course I was there for him. He decided he was moving which surprised me. He LOVED where he lived. I get it though, he wanted a change and I thought it was a great idea. A fresh perspective. He was moving in with a mate and wanted to work towards his dream of renovating houses and working for himself. I love people with drive and ambition and always encourage them.

I offered to help which he was happy with because there didn’t seem to be friends lining up to help. We chatted as we carried things to his Ute. He talked about his ex and how she was there begging him to try again. He talked like he was very over her. No interest and found her very unattractive now knowing who she is, how she is and how that isn’t something he wants in a person. I assumed he knew what I shared with him because it was openly on social media and his other friends knew too. She was seeing someone and had photos of their ‘sexy weekend’ all over socials. He said she came to his place on Friday night wanting him back, saying she loved him, begging him to try again. Saturday she was two hours away in a romantic hotel with a handsome man on a bed with innuendos captions. I assumed he knew and brought it up. He asked to see pics so I showed him. He seemed to take it well albeit irritated as you would be.

We continued moving furniture to his new place.

I then went to Asia to teach classes. I kept an eye on social media and did hear someone ask what was up with Eyes Guy, that maybe he drank all his housemates alcohol and his housemate was super angry. That was a shame but none of my concern. I only just started talking to him again and although I would support any issues he had, we weren’t in constant contact. I had things to do – like my life!

I spent an awesome few days with my ‘hubby’ (a guy I met on tinder a few years ago who lives in Singapore. An Aussie who is loads of fun and a wonderful plutonic friend). We joke I am wifey and he is my hubby. It’s perfect cause we don’t sleep together… the joke being that neither do married people! One of my besties Ella was visiting Singapore from Malaysia and we spent the day at Sentosa at the beach. It was here that my heart stopped!!!

FBE30BB0-9864-4C0A-ACD4-01128C66878A.jpegElla and I were sitting in Starbucks using their wifi and my phone rang through Facebook and it was Eyes Guy. I was panicked as he never just rings. His words spoken brought tears to my eyes. Just a little watery (because I don’t cry!) but the fright it gave me and the feeling of being helpless was very emotional.

He said ‘Where are you? I need you’
I told him I was in Singapore not back until Monday (it was maybe Thursday at this point and I still had a class in Malaysia to teach on the weekend)
I asked what was wrong
He said ‘I’m af my parents place. They came to get me. (What I heard was true) I am booked into a hospital to treat alcohol addiction. It’s the best hospital for this.’

This is what brought water to my eyes. To hear him say that he needed help and was getting it was huge! I was so happy.

He then said ‘and I thought of you. It’s you, it’s always been you. I need you. You are the one who has always been there.’

I told him to stay in touch and I will come and find him when I get back.

He called me each day to let me know how he was progressing. Each day he sounded more and more slow and dopey. Treatment was with drugs to help him through drying out his system apparently.

When I got home, I googled the hospital and went up in visiting hours. It was a good 45 minuets away and I went up every day in between work and classes to see him – because I promised I would.

The Monday I went up I saw him standing down the end of the corridor. I called his name and he turned to me with a big smile and said It’s Monday!’ He was so drugged up he looked terrible! He hugged me and kissed me hello and held my hand and didn’t let it go. He then introduced me to his parents. After knowing him for over three years this was the first time his parents had heard of my existence. I knew everything about them and his sister whom he adores. That says so much right?

During each visit that week I saw him go through ups and downs. He kept talking about it which was great. His parents were there every day. They updated me too. He didn’t sleep at night without drinking. That is what he felt started his issues with alcohol. He felt he needed to drink to get to sleep. He didn’t drink apart from af night. Hence why a previous doctor told him he didn’t have an alcohol problem, he was just self medicating!

Eyes guys told me about his psych sessions and then things started to become a bit clearer. He told me he told the psych about me. Ok….

I was being careful to not be showing him any signs of romance as I wasn’t there in that way, I was there because I love him and want to help him get better like I always promised I would. I asked him where he was going to live when he is released because he cannot go back to where he was, as it is a bad environment full of drinking and partying. He said to me that he spoke with the psychiatrist about this and he ‘can’t decide whether he gets his own place or just gets a place with me’. Oh wait, what??? Ummm noooo!!! Shit Shit Shit. What do I do????? I can’t reject him in this state! What if it makes him digress???? Shit. So I grabbed his hand and asked him to sit with me. I was very calm. I said to him ‘Eyes Guy, I think that this isn’t what you should be thinking about right now, I think you need to focus on you. You need to get yourself better not just for you but also for your daughter who needs someone she can look up to. Please don’t think about me right now, think about you.’

I fumbled through that visit then walked out with his parents and spat it all out. I told them that conversation and I told them with no question, that I was not in the same place as him and I don’t know how to handle this without causing harm. I at the same time, can’t be made to feel bad for this. For three years he has been telling me he doesn’t like me! I love him but as a dear friend not in any other way. I won’t be moving in with him or having a relationship with him!

BA1A1088-09DE-4A62-8DE0-FC927958F42C.jpegThe next night I visited him I was flying to America to visit my ex boyfriend (see that story in a previous blog) of twenty years the next day. I was going away for a week. He walked me to the door and we sat down. He talked again of ‘us’ and I said again, I need to be honest with you Eyes Guy. This is all overwhelming for me too. What I really believe needs to happen here is that you need to really focus on your treatment and focus on you. You are not in a place right now to take care of yourself let alone another person. I love you, I am here for you but I am not in the same place as you seem to be. I am not in love with you. You have spent three years telling me you don’t like me and I have accepted that for all this time. I am going to America and I am going to visit my boyfriend I broke up with twenty years ago and I am so excited. Let’s see how you are doing when I get back but I will check in with you whilst I’m away.

Regardless of his situation I needed to also take care of myself and to be true to myself I needed to be honest.

He didn’t respond much whilst I was away. The last we messaged it was at LAX waiting to fly home. He had his own place and was moving in. I would see him when I got back. He had been released from hospital. Things sounded great for him. I needed the time away to find some closure a long time coming and have some time to clear my mind away from my usual life. It was fantastic. I was ready to meet the new version of Eyes Guy. I was excited to see his new place and hear his new plans for life. A version that doesn’t drink. Who is thoughtful and focussed on good things!

What did happen was very different. He avoided seeing me. It was very suspicious. The trigger for his last binge drinking and the catalyst that put him in hospital was his ex as he didn’t know she was playing both him and the new guy. He got sucked into her plea for forgiveness again and then when he found out she was with another man the next night, it sent him spiralling downhill. Is that my fault? I don’t think so. I thought he was ok with it and didn’t tell him to be vindictive I actually didn’t think he wouldn’t know. As a friend however, although it sparked this, wouldn’t you want them to know? Ultimately it lead him the help he needed so….

Anyway, guess who found him and guess who he went back to
And guess who worked him over again? He messaged me and told me he was weak and he let her in. That he got burnt and shouldn’t have trusted her. That she said it was because of me that he started drinking that last time because I told him. WTF?

I have never seen or spoken to him since. He said (very nicely)
He decided he needed to remove both she and I from his life. That it’s negative and although he knows I’m not, he is confused that maybe she is right and he shouldn’t trust me. Wow. I said to him that I understand and respect his feelings to disconnect for a while to heal a little but not forever. I said I feel robbed! I spent all these years with an Eyes Guy who was broken and patiently held his hand through all the hard times, went through the treatment with him and I never get to be friends with the improved version. I never get to meet new Eyes Guy.

I guess I hurt him and his ego when I didn’t feel the same way. I understand that he needs a fresh start but it still hurt me too. It’s always been about him. All the time we knew each other, everything was on his terms. I did feel selfish in the end. I wanted to know this new version! I wanted to support his ongoing recovery. At the same time I guess I understood maybe old memories might be a negative thing. So I never spoke, we disconnected our avenues of contact to make it easier. I would see him walk by on his daily walks sometimes and I would watch from a distance to respect his space. One day I drove past. This was a year on. I turned around got out of my car and stood in front of him. My heart was pounding!!! What if he ignored me?

I smiled and said ‘Hey Eyes Guy’.
He stopped? Took his ear phones out and said ‘Cass! How are you?’
I said ‘I’m awesome. I just wanted to stop and hug you’
We hugged
I said ‘That’s all … nice to see you’

D31B1EBB-5AA1-492F-BB80-A007D977A9DA.jpegWith that I turned and got back in my car and drive off. I haven’t seen him since.

I heard he was back in hospital which didn’t surprise me. I saw a photo of a holiday he was on with a can of beer in his hand. I tried. I tried so hard to help. I did far more than most people would. I let go for the most part. I will always care and I do look out for him from a distance. It’s not my fight. I want him to be well. I want everything good for him. I can’t however control or change things. It’s not my fight and it’s not my responsibility.

This experience has given much knowledge. Recently I spoke to a friend and she mentioned alcohol as being a problem in a new relationship she is In. My experience gives me a lot of insight. I asked her is this is something she wants for the rest of her life. Is this her responsibility in such a new relationship. I told her she needs to decide if she wants to go down this path or is she too strong to do this. I said she deserves happiness. The more she takes on the more it will weigh her down. I know we care but how much of our life at this age must another person suck out of us with these problems? They won’t fix it until they decide to do it no matter how much we try to help. In the end, where do we stand? What are our losses? Do we win at all?

I dearly miss Eyes Guy. I wondered what it would be like to be with him without alcohol ruling his life and his choices. I considered maybe in time we could try to see if we worked together because there are so many great things that connect us. Ultimately though, my life is just fine without him. I have an inability to completely let go of people I care for. They are always in my thoughts hoping they are ok. Sometimes I wish I could just see him and hug him and know he is ok. Regardless of the bad stuff, I will always care.

9BDDC6C1-98CB-455A-B353-B4B14AA41249.jpegThat’s the end of that chapter and if Eyes Guys is reading this… I wish I knew you were ok. In my mind I like to think you are. I like those thoughts. ❤️

My Fist Pump

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imageI get a message ‘ I think we would be a good match’

I looked, I read, it sparked my attention
‘I think you might be right’

And so it started.

Meet my Fist Pump. On paper he is one of the most perfect matches I’ve met in years. He got my attention and kept it. That one whom you meet in person and that moment is everything it should be. Chemistry ✔️laughter ✔️comfort ✔️ attraction ✔️

I never share my number yet I gave it to him pretty fast. We sent a few texts, he seemed great and we met that night. He was visiting from New South Wales for work for a couple of days and comes to visit every couple of weeks. Perfect ✔️

I had been single for so long now I had begun to question if I know how to not be. Maybe dating someone who wasn’t around 24/7 was a great way to get back on the relationship track. All in all, the boxes were being ticked.

He came to meet me. I walked downstairs and looked out to see him. I got butterflies. He was totally my kind of man. I’m not a touchy-feely person and am cautious about touching someone I do not know. He hugged me hello and it felt perfectly right. We went for a walk then decided to eat together. Then decided to go for dessert. It was one of those first dates you don’t want to end. I try to be open minded but it does make you question what is the catch? It’s too good. Too easy!

I put him in my car and dropped him back to his hotel. He knew I was not comfortable with a man I just met and although I am not one to kiss men I just met, I would have! Instead, he fumbled somehow and said goodbye and I laughed and said ‘Did you just fist pump me goodbye???’

He went to his hotel and I went home smiling!!!

IMG_4622We talked through text the next day and he asked if he could see me again that night. I had class to teach and wouldn’t be home until later. He was having a work dinner nearby and I arranged to meet him there. It also happened to be the coldest day of the year and I don’t do cold weather well.

I rushed home, showered and dressed warm and went to meet him. We didn’t stay long as he wanted to spend time with me, not his work friends. We decided to go to the city. When we parked at his hotel we decided to walk to  a restaurant in the city as I hadn’t eaten. Getting out of the car the wind went right through me / it was so cold!!! I suggested we eat at the hotel. I trusted him which is not like me. I wanted pumpkin soup!!! So we went to his room and ordered. We chatted and got to know each other further. Then we made out a bit!

I went home and was really excited about this guy! He was leaving the next day though. I picked him up from his hotel and took him to the airport. Knowing we would see each other soon things felt great!

We stayed talking, texting, sexting!
He booked flights a few weekends later to visit. I planned it for us. I got time off work. I counted down the days so excited. He called me Wednesday night before the Friday he arrived. He said he wasn’t coming. What???
He said he’s can’t do this right now.
What???
Turned out his son needed him as he was going through some anxiety issues.
I was crushed. Being me though, I forgave him. He assured me it wasn’t me. He is a dad first and I respect that.

We continued our connection. He arranged a new visit. It didn’t happen. I went to see him, he didn’t meet with me. I never asked anything of him and over all these years of being let down by men, I gave up expecting anything. I looked forward to the hope things might change.
I stopped talking to him then started again. We talk like partners. We get each other. He is my biggest fan. I am his biggest fan. He gives great advice. I give the same. We laugh. There are glimmers of hope. He says he will do things like visit and surprise me and I think about it for five seconds then remember it won’t actually happen.

He never came back for work again. Things changed at work. Was he ever going to?

I still chat to other guys and have met a couple. I keep my options open but no one has come close to the feeling of Fist Pump. Would I start dating someone if they came along? Absolutely!
That would speak volumes to me.

Why didn’t I just give up? I did!!
I still chat with him though because nearly a year later we have gotten to know one another well. We do have a great friendship. He is a good human. He has personal issues … who doesn’t?

imageMy male friends say he is either not single and or not that into me. This is nothing I don’t already think myself. Ultimately, I like knowing he is there.

Where will it go? If I’m realistic… nowhere. I have put it to him numerous times ‘just tell me you aren’t into me’
His response is always ‘I can’t right now I have so much I need to focus on’. Much of it is financial. He has a time consuming job as well as a huge business loan on a gym he owns that he just renovated’. If he doesn’t make it work he loses everything.

Some people push people away when they are stressed. The Smart ones know the support of someone who cares makes it so much easier. I guess he isn’t too smart! In any case. He recently let me down in a big way. I don’t know how I feel about it. As an outsider I would have given advice to ditch him ages ago and there’s nothing anyone could say that I haven’t told myself.

My life has been full of bad timing. Of guys who let me down. Of hoping this one will be the one who proves my theories of let downs wrong. It never happens.

So my Fist Pump is the best thing that never actually happened to me. There are so many good things. Such good stuff there. Maybe one day. Who knows. Life goes on and it’s still a disappointment when it comes to men. I’m not sad though – well sometimes I guess I am. I would be more sad living a lie with a man that doesn’t make me happy. I’ll never be the type who is with someone for the sake of having someone there. I am a dreamer though. I see things differently. I say ‘Just take a chance and try!’ Safe people say ‘It’s too hard’.
The only time I like ‘hard’ is when ‘hard’ is exactly what you want 😊

Pee Steve

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I don’t relate to the following video link for an ex because I’m quite open about the process with someone I have spent time caring for. If I love a person, that never goes it just changes ‘how’. The two relationships I have had I the past 13 years were with amazing men. One long term and one less but both gave me much happiness. I could never have negative feelings for someone i spent time caring for because I don’t care for undeserving people, only good people take part of my heart.
What I DO relate this to, is dating. Meeting someone and being awkward and misjudging their thoughts. Assuming something and possibly never finding out what they really think.

He doesn’t like me. He only likes me as a friend. He doesn’t think I’m attractive. He thinks I’m boring. I am not his type. He isn’t interested. Maybe he thought I wasn’t interested. Maybe he thinks I’m not attracted to him. Maybe he thinks I don’t have time for him. Maybe he is intimidated by my Independence. Maybe he doesn’t like dogs!
I always assume a guy I spend time with doesn’t remember me. That he never thinks of me. That I didn’t leave a lasting impression. Then I have forgotten someone – cause I tend to do this – and then they see me and have some familiar interaction and remember everything I struggle to have a memory of.

I didn’t this once. I dated someone a long time ago for about eight months. He was seemingly excited to see me a few years later. My sister pointed ‘Steve’ out and I assumed she was acknowledging a friend of hers. She reminded me I used to go out with him. I looked up and he was a guy I dated. We chatted and swapped numbers. He was keen to chat. He kept bringing up ‘remember when we did this, remember when we did that?’ I actually didn’t remember these things and he was disappointed.

I remembered where I lived when I was seeing him but nothing about our time together except that he used to pee the bed when he was drunk! I remember he worked at the local bottle shop saving money for surf trips.   I used to bake food for him and take it to him. (He reminded me). That just made me want to make veggie pasties!

He told me he was bummed when I broke up with him cause I was one of the ‘nicest girlfriends he has ever had!’ This is when it hit me. I assumed he never really liked me. I thought he wished he was with my friend instead of me, but she wasn’t single. I never thought I was good enough. When he was going overseas I broke up with him because that was the ‘best idea’. Why? Because I didn’t want him to break up with me first. Because he could then be single to meet someone he liked more.  Because I wasn’t good enough.

Learning that me breaking up with him affected him on some way was the biggest surprise. I didn’t think guys ever thought about girls after.  I know at that point in my life though, that I was not in the best place. I had been through a break up that took many years to heal from. I didn’t have any confidence and I assumed I was not good enough for anyone. I tend to block memories sub consciously perhaps to protect myself.
Being older and looking back you can see these paths you took and highlight the points you now know better from. You think you have your shit together but I often find myself steering down familiar paths and needing to correct myself from making those same errors. I still feel bad about Pee Steve. He’s a really good guy! I wonder if he still thinks I was never good enough for him! Haha

Eyes Guy #4

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IMG_4630Eyes Guy 4

I’ve always been surprised when I learn that a guy does actually think about you when you’re gone. That they do actually have memories they like to hold onto. I once dated a guy for eight months and had no idea years later that this was such meaningful time in his life.

Let me digress as I do so well!

I had very little confidence in myself when I was younger. When I was dating Steve (I’m calling him Steve because his name is Steve!) I had previously been with one of the greatest loves of my life. I had been quite depressed for sometime after that ended … That’s a story for another time. I’ve discovered there are parts of my life I just don’t remember the details of. Looking further into I, I believe these times are parts of my life that I subconsciously want to forget.

Short story is this… I was out on the coast other my sister at a bar that was popular with the over 30s crew at the time. I often walk around the other my head down and am very awkward sometimes full of anxiety walking into social situations. I’m a little socially awkward and shy. Yes, I am. I followed my sister in. She seemed to be noticed by people and my shyness leads to me wanting to blend in and not stand out. It’s funny right? I would get ready hoping to look nice and be noticed as looking nice, yet when I went out I wanted to hide in the shadows! I am still like this today.

My sister said ‘Hey there’s Steve’. I just sort of ignored her nodding or something as I assumed she thought I knew someone I didn’t. She said ‘Cass… There’s STEVE!’ I replied ‘OK who is Steve?’ She said ‘STEVE!!! Your old boyfriend’. Then I replied ‘Steve? I never went out with a Steve?’ I said this as I looked up and saw Steve smiling at me. ‘Oh…. Steve’. Yes I did go it with this guy but had completely forgotten about him. Poor guy! He is really sweet. He seemed excited to see me about seven years later. We swapped numbers.

IMG_4625He was reminiscing on the phone after that and saying ‘Remember this and remember that?’ I ended up saying that I was so very sorry but I honestly don’t! I then said to him, ‘How long did we go out for?’ When he told me eight months I was shocked!. My mind started racing. He said ‘I was devastated when you broke up with me. You were the nicest girlfriend I ever had!’
Wow …. Guys care?
He reminded me of some things and I had some memories come back. He said he was going overseas and I said we should just break up. Oh that’s right, I remember that. That’s like breaking up with someone before they break up with you! Insecurity took hold. Meh… Anyway, poor Steve was so lovely but what he didn’t know was that I never thought he really ever liked me that much because I didn’t like me that much. Because I didn’t think I mattered to him I assumed he would just want to break up when he went overseas so I suggested it first then decided that is what we were doing. Who knew he actually cared?

IMG_4619Ok back on subject….

I needed a big change in my life.
It was summer and it was hot
I had some family issues and after ten years of high and not so high times, a wonderful but long term relationship that had ended and a business that had risen and fallen over the GFC, I needed a fresh start.

Eyes Guy had introduced me to an area I never knew existed and I decided this was a place I felt at home. It has huge green leafy old trees lining the streets. It has beautiful old buildings converted into apartments. It is across the river and the area is designed for your to enjoy inner city living with an old world charm. You can jump on a water taxi and go wherever you like. Restaurants and micro breweries and more yoga and Crossfit than you could ever imagine in such a small circumference. It takes less than ten minutes to get home from the city yet it is so peaceful and pretty.

I wanted to live there. As I have a beauty business as well, I needed somewhere to set up a business. I toyed between signing a commercial lease and setting up a stand alone salon, renting a room in an existing salon or working from home. I needed to spend some time looking into all options so I started with somewhere to live and somewhere to set up a salon and moved between meetings with agents for residential and commercial properties.

This particular area is in a flood zone and one commercial space i liked was a bit suspicious. Someone whispered that it had recently flooded so I knew I needed someone to take a look at it for me. Eyes Guy and I had had a bit of small talk ‘how are you’ chats here and there and I trust him to protect my best interest. He is in the construction industry which he takes much pride in. I messaged him and asked him would he be able to take a look at it sometime soon and check it out for signs of previous and potential flooding. He knew the area well.

He said he could and gave me a time the next day. I didn’t want to be there as I wanted to ensure he knew I was purely after some help with the building. I organised for the agent to have the space unlocked. I was still going there as I had a residential space to look at but was wanting to avoid personal contact with Eyes Guy. He was messaging me giving me the impression he was thinking I wanted to meet him there and I explained it would be open and that I was not able to get there at that time. Strangely (a-hem) he was late and possibly stretched it out until the time I was available (cause I thought it was safe saying causally that I couldn’t make it until 2pm). Lucky I was dressed nice hoping to impress agents. Not a good idea to turn up looking like a mess! I politely said hello to Eyes Guy and showed him to the property which in all fairness, he really took seriously and gave me his advice. I deferred away from his questions on details as he was starting to dish out opinions and advice. All in the vein of wanting to be helpful which I was polite about, but I wasn’t asking more of him than just this favour.

Did I mention it was hot? IMG_4626.PNGIt was especially hot and just standing in the shade not moving still brought a layer of humidity induced sweat over your body. He was walking home so I asked did he was a lift in my (air conditioned) car. It was the polite thing to do. He jumped in and we chatted and it was actually really nice. If I care about someone it is difficult for me to ignore them or not want to make sure they are ok. We will always have that unusual connection that happens even without words. It was nice just talking with the ‘nice’ Eyes Guys… The good guy. The one that makes me laugh. The kind man.

He invited me up to his (air conditioned) place to chat a bit more and I went. It was nice. Was really good to catch up on the last few or more months. Was time for me to get going so I got up to leave and gave him a hug. Hugs are always great with him. He decided to walk me to my car. Before I got in my car he just grabbed either side of my face and kissed me… Yes … This old thing again! I was blind sided completely. No intention no idea this would happen. Gahhhh!!!

Things were confusing but I would not allow him to get in the way of my plans. I found an amazing apartment and I loved it. I found the perfect solution for my business and could not have been more excited. Eyes Guy was forth coming and I can’t remember the exact way it happened but I apprehensively starred getting closer to him and him with me again. I had a huge barrier erected emotionally and was not about to allow him to suck me in again. We were making out and I said to him ‘WTF we don’t have a connection?’ He said these words to me
“I know. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean. If I ever say that to you again, just ignore me”

The difficult thing here is this.
I could not trust in him being ‘that guy’. I never allowed myself to relax and be me. I never allowed myself to fall in-love with him. I had how accepted that this was just a friendship (not a great one because that would mean both people act as friends not just me) with.a difference. It was very different her never friends with benefits. When we were together we were just that.

IMG_4615I started to choose my battles. I would be around then not around depending on how he treated me. He never spoke to me poorly or did anything to harm me. What he did so was ignore me. I never ignore people. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone especially someone who has some significance in your life .. And I did. Despite the less great times with him, I always knew he cares he just made me feel shit otherwise, mostly due to ignoring me. Did I mention ignoring is mean???

I remember saying we are just friends and I felt like I was: I had gotten to know him so well and yes you are correct… Alcohol was an evil dark shadow in his life. I had watched or become make obvious to me and he allowed me in his everyday life more and more. We would stay with each other and not have sex just be beside each other. As I said, I would stay away from him because I needed the time away. Sometimes he was too much for me to emotionally manage. I needed distance from him. I would however, feel something sometimes that made me contact him again and it was when he needed me. He became able to tell me about his doctor appointments. He finally told his doctor he was concerned he has a problem with alcohol. His doctor asked him some questions and concluded that he didn’t have a drinking problem he just self mediated to get to sleep. So he gave him some sleeping tablets which should not be taken with alcohol… Hmm.

Eyes Guy had previously tried to stop drinking and was excited about his progress. He stopped drinking during the week. I said I would give up Pepsi Max and fresh muffins! He was meant to stop drinking altogether for eight weeks on a fitness challenge. I sabre to support him and I love muffins! I did my part and continued thereafter on my own as I had stopped talking to him.

This time I stopped was when he was leaving the area for a while with work. He had not given me any thoughts which was obvious and it wasn’t the nicest feeling. I spent some time thinking about how to out this situation into perspective for me. I’m a logical thinker and need to give such things reason. I asked to meet with him and this is what I said.

IMG_4617I said ‘I have been trying to work out what I mean to you. What I am worth in your life. Most men would be over the moon about looking forward to coming home to someone like me at the end of the day. To see me when they get home. To hug me and kiss me and sit down and have dinner with me. Talk about their day, laugh and sleep beside me. Not you. You look forward to for home to vodka so I thought about my worth to you and think it’s around $25 or $20 on sale… About half a bottle of vodka. I’m worth far more than $20 so I am not doing this anymore. I adore you and love you unconditionally. I love you for who you are. I know your demons and love you regardless and I always will. When you are ready I will be here and I will hold your hand. I will always hold your have but that’s all I can do now, just as your friend.’

He said ‘I never felt a connection with you anyway’.

A-ha, yep, I know ….
(Time for eye roll insertion!)

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Anyway, we walked back together and In my mind, we were friends. I knew though this meant being ignored again. I still message and I still kept being that friend who didn’t let him ever feel alone.

Off he went to work with a million thoughts on his mind to a place he didn’t want to be working at. Now it is Winter and there is still more to come.

I want to say at this point that I dearly and completely love this human with all my heart. This story is on going and there is much I haven’t mentioned and more still untold. He has been horrible to me often but what i think he wanted to believe for so long, was that I wanted a relationship with him. I did at first, of course I did and at other points I wished the good times would last. For me, I made a promise to him. This type of behaviour loses friends. I don’t blame them either. People don’t know what is going on in someone else’s life and unless you notice there is a problem or someone tells you, you don’t know. Therefore you take such behaviour as offensive. Not keeping in touch can eventually just push people away. People assume they are rude or too busy and just stop calling. No didn’t want to be that person. I wanted to be the friend who stayed by his side even if from a distance sometimes. I just wanted him to be happy and feel loved. I can never explain the connection we have as mentioned before. There is a bond that keeps us together, sometimes closer than others. He isn’t a bad person, he just acts bad sometimes. I don’t make excuses for him and I’m not naive to the situation. I made choices I own. I allowed myself to be in situations that made me sad, feel let down and disrespected. I knew what the outcome of my texts or calls would be at times… Ignored, plans changed and so on. I found it heartbreaking. How could someone so loving and kind at times be so mean and selfish the others? Why would someone who tells me what a beautiful person I am, treat me with such rejection so often?

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I take a breath and remember it’s Eyes Guy and that is what he does…. When he is pushing me away.

 

CHASING THE D

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To add some spice to our blog,  I’ve come across some stories not written by Naomi or myself but from women who we think are hilarious, open, fun and gorgeous and whom we have asked if they would mind that we share them with  you.

These are not our regular type of stories.   They contain language and themes that are a bit more risqué than what we would normally write about, but at the same time are just fabulous!  Most are tinder stories,  and as we go along I’m going to copy and paste them for your reading enjoyment.

If you are not open to some colourful language and more sexual themes then please don’t continue to read.

I’m going to just simply copy these written stories and drop them in here with no corrections, no additions, just exactly as they were written,  and I really hope you have a laugh and enjoy.

Just to reiterate I do  have permission from these ladies to copy and paste their stories here.  I could name them and make them more fabulous so that you could enjoy them even further.  However, we have chosen to protect them, so let’s just say they are written by ‘a friend’.

To this friend or friends we just want to say thank you so much for being so much fun just being you…. You are inspiringly amazing ❤️

Here we go ….

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💋hold on to your tits girls cause this is one hell of a ride💋

*WARNING, LOTS OF SWEARING AND DICK AND BAGGING OUT SHIT GUYS*

Before I begin I’d just like to state that the following stories are 110% real. Yes, my luck is actually this bad. Hard to believe? Same.

So here are my worst tinder date experiences.

1. This is the very first tinder experience I had. The guy I swiped right for super liked me. That should have been a warning sign.
He looked ok from his 2 very blurry photos and he was nice enough. I decided to give him a go. So he comes to pick me up one day and his car is an absolute mess. I’m talking empty cans, dirty clothes, shoes, grass and dirt all through it, tabacco- just fucking filthy. And I’m all dolled up like the fucking angel I am. Anyway this prick is bloody 6ft something tall and my head probs reached his ballsack (im exaggerating)
So within the hour of meeting me he asks me to be his girlfriend. I freaked out and said yes because I’m fucking socially inept.
He took me back to his and he drives like a maniac and I thought “well fuck it, at least he might be a good root and I’ll get something out of this date.”

Jesus did not prepare me for what came next.
This guy had been telling me all day that his dick was big, saying escorts have turned him down cause it’s too big. I laughed it off because every guy says that.

HOLY mother Mary of GoD this thing was a fucking MONSTER
My vagina literally clamped shut at the sight of it.
BUT MUMMA DIDN’T RAISE NO QUITTER SO I DECIDED TO JUST GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH.
Mate

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💋worst tinder dates💋 POST 2👏👏

Ok so this is like one of the 5th guys I met up with.

He was italian but looked spanish, hot as all fuck and rich as hell. He mentioned he wanted to be more than a fuckbuddy and I was pretty keen for a relo because i get a bit slutty when im single and I have a fear of STDs so i decided i should probably settle.

Anyway, he shows up, we go to a bar and im drooling at the sight of him and I literally cannot wait to get to his house.

We were chatting and at the time I was talking to about 20+ other guys on tinder and whatnot and I’d been setting up dates all week. His phone buzzez and he laughs and goes “hey, do you know this guy”

And to my horror it was one of the guys I was sexting on tinder
And I
Had
Fucking
Double booked them

WAIT FOR IT, THAT’S NOT ALL FOLKS

I played it cool and was like “Ha yeah, I was chatting to him for a while, totally forgot about him though, I clearly picked the hotter one”

Holy mary mother of god someone pass me an oxygen tank or some tequila because he then goes

“Lol that’s my bestfriend.”

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Have you ever just kind of wanted the ground to sink in and swallow you whole? Yeah, I was hoping for a fucking hiroshima explosion to go off and kill me.

THANKFULLY he laughed it off and then his friend texted me saying he doesn’t go for whores anyway so he’s not that cut up

mmmmm OKAY BOOBOO THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT WHILE YOU WERE WANKING OVER MY NUDES BUT THATS FINE GO DRINK YOUR BIG OL CUP OF TESTOSTERONE AND GTFO OUTTA HERE SO I CAN BANG YOUR BUDDY

Anyways we left the bar and went to his house and I swear I came in 2 seconds when I saw how clean his room was. Mate that makes me horny as fuck. God I love not being able to smell ur shitstained underwear that’s been in the corner for 3 months 😍

Anyways im horny af but for some reason I didnt actually plan on staying over that night so I didn’t wear any lingerie i wore FUCKING SPANX
AND NOT LIKE A BODICE SUIT
BUT LIKE THE FUCKING GRANDMA ONES THAT ARE HIGH WAISTED

So im internally freaking out ready for the big reveal of my sexually appealing attire and the guy puts on the Dictator on his tv

Ironic

Get it? Cause Dic (k)tator?

Fuck I’m a funny cunt.

Anyway
So I’m watching this racist as fuck movie and its really hard to get in the mood but eventually he took his shirt off and we were making out and stuff and then THE PART WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

HIS DICK!

WOOOOOOOO

I was honestly so excited I was like yaaaaas gonna get me sum diiiccckk tonighT

Of course though, Jesus had other plans for me.

Have you ever been that unfortunate kid at christmas who unwraps a gift enthusiastically and then you see It’s like a pair of kmart undies and you sit there looking like someone just shot your grandmother and you’re physically so upset that you didn’t get Barbie’s Mansion that you look at the camera your mum is holding and burst into an ugly fit of tears and everyone laughs at your expense?

Well friends, in that moment, I was that kid. He pulled down his pants and I didn’t know wether to laugh or just straight up cry.

It was a cheerio.

Fit for a toddler.

I begged the gods to give me strength and I put on my game face thinking I’d still give him a chance. I was reluctantly giving him the best damn blowjob that a fucking cheerio has ever recieved when suddenly I felt a bit of wetness in my underwear

Now I’m not one to catch on quickly so I assumed I was just turning myself on with how great I was so I kept going
But then
The wetness kept coming

Surely not even I, the sexiest woman alive, can turn myself on THAT much. I swear there was enough liquid to drown a small child.

So I quickly made him give himself a wristy onto me so that I had an excuse to run to the bathroom and clean up

And of course,
With my luck
and my sense of timing
The fucking red sea had decided to pay me a visit.

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No pad, no tampons, and a heavy flow. I screamed internally and checked his bathroom draws (he lived with a chick and a guy)
I was despo for a pad

But the bitch must keep them in her damn room or something so I do a quick left right check and sprint to the toilet

I fold up about a trees worth of toilet paper and put it in my damn underwear then put the spanks over it. I look like im wearing an adult diaper.
And I’m freaking out

So I go to his room and SEDUCTIVELY turn the lights off. By seductively I mean I didn’t want him to see me wearing a months worth of his toilet paper.

I thought that this night could not get any weirder. I told him i didnt want to have sex and he was fine with it – naw look at him not being a rapist and shit, so cute.
But then we started talking about our kinks
And I have none because I’m a vanilla bean frappucino from starbucks

But lo and behold the man goes to his wardrobe and pulls out this massive fucking black strap on.
Then a doggy collar and leash.
And a box full of anal toys.

I went bright red cause like wtf i cant do that stuff im basically the most virgin whore you’ll ever meet I dont have THE BALLS TO TRY THAT

YAnd even if i did
What was i meant to do with the dog collar and leash
Like
throw a bone?
Make him fetch?
Take him to the dog park?
Teach him how to play dead?
LIKE I HAVE A DOG AND I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY DOG SO ID RATHER NOT PRETEND YOU’RE A DOG PLS

So before he could even ask me to peg him with that mike tyson sized dildo I blurted out “IM ON MY PERIOD CAN I GO TO SLEEP NOW”

He looked so taken aback considering I literally half yelled it.
I didnt care tho
I aint walkin no dildo in the ass loving human-dog
Not today sir
Not today.

So we went to sleep and in the morning i asked to go for a maccas run to pretend last night didn’t happen.

Ladies, if all of the above hadn’t put me off, this next part did.

All he ordered was a bacon and egg mcmuffin.

I’m out.

*edit: if those are your kinks i fully respect you and envy your bravery but honestly i could just not take one for the team that night soz*

TO BE CONTINUED ……

 

Hello Kitty

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I have immersed myself into a whole new world that started out as some harmless fun. It took on a whole new direction as I discovered a world I didn’t know anything about. I made up a tinder profile and wanted to just have fun putting things in it I would not normally write for myself seriously, and for some reason it attracted a very specific type of guy.

A man who is dominant. A man wanting a submissive. A man who wants to do some insane things to me and gets pleasure from doing that. I have gotten about 8 to 10 men who claim to be Doms and would like me to become theirs.   For those who don’t know much about this world, welcome to my life!   I had to very quickly learn what it was all about to keep up with the facade of wanting to be that person, that woman who desperately wanted a man to dominate her in the bedroom and in general.

But it before I get carried away… Allow me to rewind

I put up a profile on a Sugar Daddy website to see what juicy text stories I could find to share with you all. So far, I’ve only gotten boring short men or over 60s men who want to fly me to Hamilton island to ‘cuddle’ them. AHhh so dull.

#boring

Those and the married men wanting discretion. Is it just me or is this not just a form of prostitution? You meet on arranged days, spend time together (of course sex will be on the agenda) and he gives you a weekly ‘allowance’ plus gifts and so forth. Is this not ‘paying for sex’. I have in my profile that I’m not interested in married men. Perhaps that is why it’s not overly active? Must men on there are married? Just FYI… This experiment has certainly opened my eyes to the extremely high number of cheating men. I don’t get it. If you are not happy together, try and change that or leave before finding someone else. It’s really disappointing how much of this I’ve seen.

Next idea… Put up a profile opposite to my usual style and see where it takes me. Guys are fishing, ghosting and playing with your emotions all the time online. Stringing you along and having no intention of following through. So what is the harm if I chat to some in a role playing situation? Pretend to be someone I’m not. Maybe part of it is me though as it does intrigue me.

I was ready to do this but I wasn’t doing it with malicious intent. It was just to be experiencing something different and do some research because I want to write some exciting blogs for you!. Venture into a voyeuristic world and go into an area that is not normally common for me. To do something out of the box. Go beyond what I’m usually comfortable with but explore. Behind a keyboard, behind a phone, without putting a face to a profile, it’s so easy to become someone that you’re not.

I became KITTY. I became Kitty because of what I wrote on the bottom of my profile.

I chose this photo of my legs in a tiny bikini to intrigue and arouse. I wanted to remain facially anonymous.  I’ve actually been approached by a guy in a bar angry at me for not matching him on tinder!   With this profile especially… I’m being careful.

MY PROFILE

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You KNOW how to please

Confident strong dominant when it matters
You let me know exactly how much you want me.
A true mature minded gentleman in touch with your natural instincts. You adore a good woman & the body she takes care of for you

You will be fit, tall (I’m 5 foot 6 & heels are sexy so…) kind hearted, quick witted, sexy, single, secure, assertive and ready to go after what you want … Me, only me and I’ll only want you.. Long term

Non-smoker. My Kitty doesn’t want cancer!”

I was thinking it would attract a certain type of man but I wasn’t expecting to attract the number of BDSM or dominant man in the sense that it obviously did!

As most of you know, to match on Tinder it takes two people to swipe right with each other. I was specifically targeting men who looked strong, masculine and dominant. In my last blog i said I was no longer online dating because I was tired of being single and being still online. I figured I will still be single, and not online

I met some characters online, none of whom I have met in person by the way!  It’s not something that I find comfortable however being interactive and seeing where this path has been taking me, has actually made me understand that there are different people doing different things, some of which is actually a turn on

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The first Dom who contacted me, turned out to be someone that I think is not a good human being and those who read our blogs know that I’m very open-minded when it comes to accepting people for who they are. I wanted to accept this guy. He told me a lot. He answered many of my questions. He was very patient. He liked me because I was innocent to this world and very ‘vanilla’ and he told me he wanted to corrupt my body and my mind.

I had this crazy idea and I know it’s not nice because it happens to us all the time.

I had never downloaded the app called Kik before. For those who don’t know what Kik is, it’s an app that allows you to send text messages, pictures and videos without having to give somebody your phone number. It allows you to continue some anonymity without revealing your personal information. Take a step further, and if you don’t like that person, and you wish to discontinue speaking with them, you simply block them and remove them, and they cannot find you again.

I didn’t have it and the first Dom that I said wasn’t particularly nice, demanded that I download it and I had five minutes to complete my task or be in trouble. So I downloaded it and there began the conversation that changed my perception and opened my eyes.

Since then I am telling people that I speak with, ‘Do you have Kik?”
We swap usernames and next minute I get a message from them. I’ve seen so many penises in the last two weeks it’s ridiculous. I don’t ask for that although I did yesterday because that seems to be what happens. I thought I’d go along with that in the role playing character. I’m numb to looking at penises now. I just have no interest in getting penis photos. They don’t excite me but now I just go ‘oh and here we have another penis’.

So let’s meet the pilot and let’s call him Flying Dom. Flying Dom’s background is as a very experienced Dom – so he says. If I was a psychiatrist I would have a field day with this guy. Flying Dom is not single he’s married he has been married for three years. He has been with his wife nine years. He’s training to be a commercial pilot and he also drives uber. He loves driving uber because it gives him the best alibi to get out and cheat on his wife by having sex with his sub.

So flying Dom started out helping me understand this world because I was curious. He told me many things.

He told me (copy and paste)
‘I wannafuck u here,on wifes sideof thebed,when she has no idea….i wanna make u feel tbe betrayal,being part of it! And i know deep down it would get u wet’

Righteo then ….

He gave me tasks…

I needed to send him photos of my feet. One front on and one side on to see my arches. I must always be pedicured. He has a foot fetish. I must wear specific sheer stockings with no reinforced toes as he likes to suck my toes then have me ‘rub his cock with my feet’ afterwards..

 

He asked me what name I wish to be called and my choices were ‘slut’ or ‘whore’. (I chose whore… I felt the lesser evil). He showed me photos of him with past subs After each one sent, I was ordered to tell him what I felt when I saw it. The first was a woman naked. She wore the specific stockings. Her hands were restrained above her head as she lay vulnerable on the bed. He was standing over her at her feet taking the photo. On her torso was written his name and ‘whore’ with a date (for the sake of privacy let’s say ‘flying dom’s whore 02:01:16)

I replied ‘you would write on me?’
He said ‘yes, would you like this?’

I replied ‘I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this’

I also said ‘she has nice boobs’. (Well she did and that’s what I thought of and told him … Like a ‘Good Girl’)

The next photo was of a woman on her knees beside his legs wearing a collar. She had her head on his legs and was looking up at him. The leash was in his hands. She was naked apart from the stockings.

My response was
‘I like your sense of fashion’.

I knew this was not what the wanted to hear! He wanted to corrupt me and sense I was uncomfortable with these things because he likes to have control. I also had good intuition telling me that he was a text book narcissist and he clearly takes pride in his appearance. Giving him such a compliment, I waited for his response. He could have lost patience with my lack of sexual focus, but he proved me right. He replied that many of his friends call him a fashionista (although he did not spell it correctly … Just sayin!) He liked that I noticed. Ok 2 photos down and I’ve avoided lying saying that they excite me…. Next!

Next was a woman licking his balls
‘I see a nice penis’
He said he loves having ‘his balls licked and his arse rimmed’

Ok then…. Haha so I ask
‘Do I have to have anal?’

He replied ‘not if you don’t want to’
PHEW! (Not that I’ll ever meet him but role playing this persona still makes me feel this way!)

Next photo, and there is a woman with her stocking-clad feet on his (unfit) belly. They are both naked on their backs butt cheek to butt cheek or in this case she is lifted and he is inside her. He claimed to be showing me this pick so I can see the toes on the stockings. (Oh ok and you just happened to be inside her vagina… Rookie error? #Eyeroll)

I looked at their ‘bits’ and I asked ‘Does sir wear a condom?’

His reply (copy paste)
‘I hate condoms to be honest,vut im clean,regularly get tested both by civil aviation,and also myself too just to be sure’

Ummm Hahahaha ok then? I am yet to meet a human who says ‘OMG Hell Yeah… I bloody LOVE condoms! Best thing ever! They don’t kill the mood. They feel amazing and they don’t irritate my skin at all. I especially enjoy that rubber taste!’ Oh COME ON … Cause you need to have your penis clear of STIs to fly an aircraft so they test you? .. Ah-ha… Sure buddy …

He said to me
‘U want a secret?’
I say ‘Another one sir?’
He says
‘Thats my best friends wife!’

And with that, I wanted to vomit
I asked how long and he said 2.5 years.
I asked did they stop because his ‘best friend’ found out but no, he doesn’t know. What a top bloke!!!

Flying Dom was clearly happy with himself.

I’m my head I said… And…. He is fucking his ‘best friends’ wife behind his back, his wife’s back and with no protection.

This narcissistic man is evil.

He said that he had to live with his wife so he doesn’t want to be judged by her his whole life. Therefore he seeks his fetishes elsewhere and gets off on her not knowing. I question this internally. As a woman who has known this man for nine years, surely she knows something. Perhaps she overlooks it and lives in her happy vanilla bubble..

imageOne scenario he spoke of often was bringing home a stranger and him watching as I’m blind folded and violated by a stranger I cannot see. Then the other guy leaves and he ‘reclaims’ me as his own.

He demanded we meet and knew I was nearby due to tinder working via GPS
He was driving uber and told me to meet him outside for five minutes.

Flying Dom
‘And i still would love u to step out for 5 min to say hi! Its a good opportunity to meet face to face….and i want u to!’

Me
‘Not tonight. Plenty of time for that’

Flying Dom
‘I didn’t ask if you can… I said I want you to, and I want you to be the obliging sub and show me that you want this as much as I do. And I expect you to say yes sir and to come out for 5 minutes’

I managed to avoid him as I was in a bit of pain massaging my back. #closecall

I asked
‘May I ask.. Do you feel guilty lying to your wife?
It sounds like you very much love her regardless’

His reply
‘Im in peace with my urges and desires and i believe what they dont know wouldnt hurt them. This is my life, and we live once….i refuse to abide the norms that society enforce upon us,and morals that are accepted to be followed..like i said, i get off on doing things against norms and morals and getting away with it,i find a great thrill in it. So,no, not guilty…just excitement,thrill and satisfaction’

He asked me
‘When did you last fuck someone? And how many guys in last 30 days? (The more the better i get off on my lovers adventures)’

I made up a reply that he liked

He asked
What did you think about me being there in front of you,have you in doggy,and kiss you passionately all when you were getting fucked by a stranger….and he leaves’

I questioned it
He replied
‘Yet with me you will allow a stranger come and use you as you were vulnerable’

Next request
I wanna see ur wet pussy!’

(It was far from wet but he didn’t need to know)

And I get a photo of his penis excited

FYI I said that i needed to go and work and would talk later #novagpicsforyou

Whilst I was talking to Flying Dom, I matched with ‘hmm whatever’. Whatever is a Dom but he showed me not everyone is evil like Flying Dom. We chatted in text on kik and he was very different. We all have our individual ‘things’

He was polite and open.
‘Whatever’ likes to please. He gets off on giving pleasure and being in control of it/you.

In his profile he mentioned ‘poly’ so I asked him did he have multiple relationships. He is not married but has 2 main Subs and a couple of casual playmates. He by all accounts seemed very sweet and respectful. He came across as very open and honest and hapy with his lifestyle. He sent me a profile photo and he is not pretty! He is an old school biker looking guy with a ZZ Top style beard…. Ewww

Whatever showed me that there are nice men around who just have fetishes and desires. Most want to be in control of giving pleasure as well as controlling how they are pleasured. It’s a whole new world to me and there is plenty more to come… I have many stories to blog about so please keep connected!

As for Flying Dom
I feel like he justified his actions and infidelities by calling his pet a whore. Branding her, violating her. Watching her get used by strange men. Doing it on his wife’s side of the bed. He justifies it by being his ‘whores’ fault. She did it not him. He gets off on someone feeling guilty for him too. One very messed up evil man!

image

Be careful whose uber you climb into ladies!!!!

*** Disclaimer***

i have not treated every connection made through this as a potential ‘blog story’.  Some men I have connected with deserve far more respect than that and I act accordingly

❤️ Single Cass