When you’re least expecting it…

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Last time you heard from me I’d given up dating apps… and not much has changed since then but I do have stories to tell…

I’ve been happily going on with my life and not really bothered about meeting a man, after all we don’t need to have a man anymore. An Italian friend of my grandfather – side note: he is the BEST grandfather ever! –

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Best Grandpa ever!

reminded me that years ago a woman would need to be married as she didn’t have any rights… but now we have those, we don’t need a man. I hadn’t even thought about it in that way and it’s so true! We actually don’t need to be in a relationship but it’s now something that we can desire and go after without the need to consider money, status, family ties and connections and simply be with someone who we respect, love and truly want to be with.

Dating had become a chore and particularly the dating apps – It’s something I felt had to do as it’s the way to meet guys. Giving it up felt great – A load off my shoulders! I wasn’t looking and guess what? No one magically appeared… well, not for months anyway!

About a month ago I re-joined the dreaded Tinder if only for something to do. No matches… now that was a change from previous times when pretty much everyone I swiped right for matched with me! I wondered if it was my age: turning 35 probably excludes me from most searches made by men. But realistically if you don’t swipe right for anyone you can’t match anyone! What?! I wasn’t excited by any of them. haha!

Then when I was visiting said Grandpa – I thought that the calibre of men outside of London would possibly be better – a few weeks ago I matched with a Firearms Officer. Good looking, seemingly decent man who lives far away (typical!) and who has recently split from a long-term girlfriend (ugh!). We chatted quite a lot before we met up and on paper the match is good but in person there was no spark… I wondered if it was because my head still wasn’t really in it…

Last weekend I was presenting VeraFlow and Floor Barre at FitCamps – a fitness event at Ribby Hall. Nothing out of the ordinary – teaching classes and generally having a great time hanging out with friends, new and old. After my Saturday session I went over to the Pulseroll stand to vibrate. Yes, you read that right! Pulseroll have the best vibrating foam rollers and peanuts (use code NAOMI10 for discount on yours – prepare to melt)!

Paul, the owner who I’d only ‘met’ online came over to chat and pretty much asked straight away if I was married, kids, divorced…? I thought it was a bit weird but just went with it thinking he was just chatting and getting to know presenters. Turns out he was passing back the info and I had no idea! Next thing I know as I’m vibrating my quad, this hot guy (I’m going to call him Pulseroll Athlete) comes over to ‘help me’… he’s got his hands on my leg and moving it about.

Of course in my head I’m thinking ‘damn he’s hot’ and ‘just act casual’. I’m lying there watching whatever class was going on at the time (I literally have no idea what it was because I was clearly otherwise occupied in my mind!) Next thing I know he’s got me with the roller under my hips, chest on the floor and one hand is on my butt. So much for touching a knee getting a guy in trouble… but I was not complaining about that!

But I went away thinking nothing of it.

Saturday evening is party time! The theme this year was Bollywood and I had the perfect outfit for seduction. It wasn’t the plan – I never think fitness events are the place I might find someone… Jess said to me as I walk in something along the lines of “You look incredible. You’ll find the man of your dreams tonight!” and I replied “What, here?!” laughing… – but yes, apparently I did seduce a very sexy and amazing man. (Photo of me and Jess above)

I have the biggest smile on my face right now just thinking about him and still can’t quite believe it.

Pulseroll Athlete and I were flirting outrageously all night and everyone could see it. Matchmaking queen Helen who you could never associate the word subtle with, said her piece and told us to get it together. Random women were coming up to me asking if I was single ‘because that guy really fancies you and you look great together’. Friends started telling me that he’d been asking about me and when a photo was taken of the two of us Carroll says in her most serious and meaningful voice, “Naomi. It looks like your wedding photo. ”

We had such a fun night, dancing and laughing, and YES we got it on in our own time 😉

So, I found out that my head was in it but only in the right situation, at the right time with the right person. There’s no point spending your time on someone who doesn’t capture your heart and give you butterflies.

It’s one of those situations where I’m thinking it’s all too good to be true. We’ll see where it leads but even if it goes no-where (it so is!) then we enjoyed every moment we shared this past weekend.

Pulseroll Athlete lives in Manchester and I live in London. His brother lives across the bridge from me. My brother lives a few miles from him. I think we’re going to be seeing a lot more of our brothers!

I hope I’m not going to be writing a blog post soon about how it all went to s*it… but I have a very good feeling about this one. Have I said that before…?! I’m positive you’re going to hear more from me about Pulseroll Athlete 🙂


I’d love to hear your stories about finding someone when you’re least expecting it. Tell me yours in the comments!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I gave up dating apps for lent

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Mashimaro, you asked about Valentine’s Day. The Shy One had an operation on his balls on that oh so sacred of days so, no, I didn’t get up to anything very exciting! I did get to teach my fitness classes to a room full of wonderful people plus a special one-off salsa class so I had a great evening just not with a special man 😉

Apparently it’s been 2 MONTHS since I last updated you! Time has flown by and in that time (about a month ago) The Shy One and I realised we were not for each other…

Screen Shot 2017-03-30 at 21.39.34.pngAnd after that did I go back on the life-sapping apps?

No, I did not. I decided that for lent I would give up dating apps (AGAIN!) and see what happened.

To be honest not a lot has happened on the dating scene and I wasn’t expecting it to. I saw the Fireman a couple more times but that didn’t really go anywhere. Despite his dreamy eyes, we all have issues and he’s no exception – currently battling some tough family ones so he’s best left to look after himself.

Life has been busy – I’ve settled into a new home in Putney with the Minx and we love our new place: it really is a home, so much so that neither of us want to move out anytime soon 🙂

Tell me, what do you think about mixing work and personal life?

I know, I know! I can hear you yelling at me through your phone screen right now!

So…. there might be someone I’m quite excited about spending time with right now (this literally started a couple of days ago) but he’s a colleague so half of me is yelling at the other half “DON’T EVEN GO THERE! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME…!” and that other half is like “this could be good and I should at least get to know this hot piece of ass (yes I did just say that because sometimes women think that too!) before writing him off.”

I SO want to tell you the whole story…but I can’t right now because it would give it away to those who work with us and we want to keep it quiet… but I promise to tell you one day (don’t worry, I’m keeping notes!) and that may be sooner rather than later.

That’s pretty much it… which means I need to hear YOUR dating stories! So go on, write a paragraph in the comments and give me a giggle 🙂

p.s. Dom texted me a few days after I published Jessica’s Naked Experiment: “So I’m going to take some credit for Jessica…good luck with The Shy One x”

For those of you who questioned the physical aspect of the experiment Dom summed up nicely why I’d done it, and yes perhaps subconsciously he had had a hand in the experiment: “It gave you an insight into anonymously asking questions and finding out how people open up”

I had no idea he was reading the blog! Although he said he’d only found it after we’d stopped texting, he admitted he had found it interesting to read my thoughts… He then offered to trade another story for the photo of Jessica.

Apologies I have no story from Dom to share with you…

Jessica’s Naked Experiment

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You know when it’s going really well with a guy, but it hasn’t been very long and you don’t want to admit to anyone that you actually really like this one, because that will jinx it and he’ll never speak to you again…?

It’s now the end of January which means I’ve known The Shy One for about a month and as I write that I’m surprised at how little time has passed.

This is happening to me: I don’t want to tell anyone that things are good because you know, when you do, that’s when it all goes wrong. (Why am I writing this again?!)

I was just catching up with my sister and she asked me how things were going with him. “Interesting what a great guy he is – so far! – especially considering how we met!”

 

This needs an explanation: Over Christmas I decided to have a bit of fun and conduct an experiment – I must admit I was doing it to try to get material to write for this blog! I’ve often changed dating profiles to see what difference it makes and the different types of guys I attract. But this was something I’ve not done before and even went to the extreme of creating a fake Facebook profile with a fake name…why, you ask?! (well the FB thing because you have to connect it to Tinder to create an account.) But the fake name because…

I posted one photo on my new Tinder profile: A naked one.

My face was not there and it was just the back of my body, but I was naked and I was Jessica.

I wrote a full profile mostly stating what I was looking for and what I most definitely wasn’t looking for and then I got swiping.

I swiped and swiped… left, left, left… on and on. Occasionally (very occasionally) I swiped right. Only for men who I was really attracted to. No point wasting your time on ‘maybes’ or the ones that look ok in one pic but you’re not sure in the others, or they’re wearing sunglasses in every shot but their body is incredible…No. Just no.

One of the first guys who wrote to me ended up telling me to get over myself! He had asked me why he should bother putting in any hard work if he can’t see my face or doesn’t know my real name, to which I said, “You don’t have to. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it or not and if you don’t think it is, just un-match me.”

One down.

I only had one other ‘bad’ reaction: a guy who just wanted sex. I’d clearly stated that I wasn’t looking for hook ups so he was out (but if I had been, he most definitely would have been in!)

That left several promising matches and I made my profile private after just one day so no one else would see me and I could focus on those guys who did get in touch.

Most of them asked me straight away for a photo of my face but I replied that I wanted to wait to see if there was a connection first and asked if they were ok with that. They all said yes!

There was one who didn’t ask for quite a long time which of course stood out, and I loved the way he asked: “So if we were to walk past each other in the street how would I know if was you?”

I never ended up meeting him despite having great conversation. I think he still had hang ups from an ex even though he said he was over that. Realistically he also lives too far away. Onwards.

The second question was almost always ‘who took the photo?’ Have they never heard of a timer…?

I had the best conversations with these guys. I asked direct questions and they all gave direct and seemingly very honest answers. Perhaps because they could’t see my face it was less of a big deal to reveal truths. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.

It was really interesting and all but that one told me they were ultimately looking for a woman to settle down with (of course we know they might have been lying, but I didn’t feel they were – they had no reason to.) We talked about a fair amount before it felt like a natural point to tell them my name is actually Naomi and then ask for their number to send them the face pics.

They mostly thought about what it meant for them to not know what my face looked like, but when it came to exchanging numbers that’s where the risk was all mine:  They knew I was attracted to them, but I didn’t know if they would see my face and like it, or see it and decide never to talk to me again! As it happens everyone was polite 😉

One guy wanted to meet up without having seen my face at all – like a one-sided blind date! He was hot and we had good chat but when he tried to call and I didn’t answer or even see his call  due to having no signal where I was over Christmas he got weird and that is a BIG turn off. No. Just no, don’t get whiney with me.

In the end I went out with 2 of the guys: One is a fireman and the other is The Shy One.

He is not the kind of guy I generally go for being shy. I’d normally go for the confident, bordering on arrogant guy – the kind of guy I grow to dislike, the kind of guy who makes every day an unknown quantity: will he be madly in love (lust) with me or will he not talk to me…? I don’t have that with The Shy One. He’s consistent. He’s caring. He’s responsible. He doesn’t want to “get it wrong”. He wants to know what I want to do and what I like. He wants to know I’m ok and he’s got these gorgeous eyes that hold my attention…

It feels like much longer than a month. But it has only been 1 month – December 30th was the day we first met although we’d been talking a fair bit before that.

I think I might have found one of the good ones who haven’t yet been snapped up… Well, finger’s crossed anyway!

The thing is, I’ve realised over the years that as women – bear with me on my massive generalisation here – we tend to think that every guy we start dating is right for us, so we worry about whether or not he likes us. Whereas actually what we need to do is enjoy the time we spend together and work out whether he is someone that we like and whether or not he is the type of guy who enhances our life.

Perhaps because I’ve been through marriage and divorce already I’m less willing to settle, and much more aware of what I want and what I don’t want in a relationship – not that a person is ‘bad’ or ‘good’, but that everyone is their own person, and the discovery is whether or not you make a great team, and if you don’t there is not much point trying to force it. The sooner you let go, the sooner you are open to finding someone who may just be the one who does enhance your life instead of dragging you down and sapping your energy (you know if I’m talking to you right now!)

The Shy One is discovering who I am and I’m discovering who he is. If one of us realises we’re not good for each other that will be ok… but for now it’s Jamie Oliver’s Cookery School and other date nights for us!

Hoping we all find love in 2017… because it would just be nice to have it 🙂

 

(Single)Naomi x

p.s. Yes, one guy sent me that gif !! haha

The beginning of internet dating…

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Well, for me anyway 😉

Since I’m not dating at the moment – in truth I’ve had the odd date here and there but nothing to write home about – I thought I’d tell you about when I first started the internet dating.

After I got divorced I went into possibly the worst relationship experience of my life. At some point I’m sure I’ll get around to writing about it, but you probably wouldn’t believe it was real because it sounds like a soap opera. And I’m not kidding. One of my very close friends recently told me that the guy in question apologised to her a short while ago. Apparently, he said he had come to realise that what he did, affected a great deal more people than he knew, and that he would apologise to everyone, starting with her. As far as I am aware he hasn’t apologised to anyone else and he certainly hasn’t apologised to me yet! I wonder if that will happen before I die. I am not going to count on it!

One of my very close friends recently told me that the guy in question apologised to her a short while ago. Apparently, he said he had come to realise that what he did, affected a great deal more people than he knew, and that he would apologise to everyone, starting with her. As far as I am aware he hasn’t apologised to anyone else and he certainly hasn’t apologised to me yet! I wonder if that will happen before I die. I am not going to count on it!

If you knew me at that time you may have seen me lose a LOT of weight. I have never been able to diet. As soon as I tell myself no more chocolate, I’ll buy 2 slabs of chocolate and eat it all. Then a tube of Pringles- a big one – and eat it all. I don’t eat loads of junk food, but if my brain says ‘diet’ my body reacts and eats a whole load of crap! I love food – that’s a given having Italian blood though right…? – and I could never give it up (shake anyone…?!)

The effect that relationship had on me was huge. I actually stopped eating. There was a time when I hibernated in my room and survived on a biscuit a day. I kid you not.

Want to know what saved me?

Actually, it’s a who…

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Michael McIntyre. I will forever love him. In my darkest moments, he had me laughing out loud with belly laughs. I know his shows word for word and I still laugh belly laughs watching them. He got me back out of my room, smiling about life.

About a year later I told a close group of friends I was ready: I was going to get online and meet some guys (at the time I was living back home with my parents in a small town most of whom I knew from childhood and I was NOT going there!). Go on dates, have fun. If anything it would show me how many guys are out there – sometimes we can get fixated that the person in front of us is the only person. It’s them or no-one. That’s not reality.

I was going to go on dates and have fun! (Not sure it completely lived up to my expectations, but there were times when I loved dating)

If anything, I thought it would show me just how many guys are out there – sometimes we can get fixated that the person in front of us is the only person. It’s them or no-one. That’s not reality. Not everyone you date is going to be right for you. You might really like them and they don’t like you so much. They might feel like you’re a perfect fit but you don’t agree. Sometimes neither of you are particularly interested in the other. And that’s ok because you don’t want to settle, right!?

I do believe that as women we can get to the point where we go on a date and think the guy has to like us. We whine to our friends “Why didn’t he text or call to see if I got home?!”, “Why hasn’t he asked me out again?”, “What did I do wrong?” You didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe he just wasn’t that into you. Maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself “Is he someone I’d like to spend time with? Is he good for me? Or do I just want him to like me to satisfy my ego?”

Match.com was my website of choice. I liked that you have to input a minimum of information as well as photos so at least you know something about the person, other than what they look like.

I diligently filled out my profile, chose a variety of great photos and uploaded it all.

The other thing about Match that’s different from a lot of other dating sites and apps, is that anyone can message you.

That first night I joined Match I received 126 messages!!! There had to be someone in amongst all of those guys…

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Being the considerate person that I am – or was, in this case – I decided I should reply to every single person who took the time to write to me. My thought was that if a guy had come up to me and started a conversation in a bar, it would be rude to just turn around and walk away without saying anything.

So, I spent hours replying whilst simultaneous screen-shotting messages and sending them to my friends and we shamelessly laughed and teased (how awful of us).

I thanked them for compliments. The outrageous got a strongly worded disapproving message. If I wasn’t interested I said as much. I’ve always been a firm believer in saying things how they are, so pretty much everyone received a polite ‘Thanks, but I’m not interested. Hope you find who you’re looking for’.

That is, until I got a really angry message back from one guy.

He was in a wheelchair and sent be back an enraged message of how dare I say I wasn’t interested just because he is disabled. I was devastated. I had no idea he was disabled – it wasn’t a reason. I just wasn’t interested. All I could see in his picture was his face and from looking at that and the message he sent I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t look at his profile.

I did reply to him but he had blocked me. Still, that wasn’t my fault and it said more about him. That’s a good thing to remember: How someone reacts say more about them than it does about you.

After that one I stuck to my guns and continued to reply to everyone. Some guys thanked me for being respectful but most didn’t reply and that was the end of that. Then came another angry message: He told me it would be better if I just ignored them and didn’t reply. So, I changed tack – and to be honest the messaged kept coming and I was getting fed up replying to people.

From then on, the end of my profile read:

“FYI I will not reply if I’m not interested. I tried replying to everyone but it ended up being worse.

p.s. If you ‘wink’ at me or ‘favourite’ me or write me a message that just says “hi”, I won’t be in touch or reply.”

This may be the era of equality and strong women but we still want men to be men. I do anyway. I want a man to make a move. If I see someone I like I’ll write them a message. But if you just wink at me or add me to your favourites but never even start a conversation…What’s the point?!

I suppose a lot of it is an ego boost. Maybe they get a buzz when they get a wink, a match or a  favourite. Quite frankly, it’s a waste of time in my opinion.

Unfortunately I deleted a bunch of the early ones, but here are some of the more amusing messages I’ve received (I won’t bore you with the hundreds of very original ‘hi, you look hot”, “hi, how are you?” and “hi, i’m from hastings” messages).

Typos and misspellings have been left unaltered.

The poet:

Hello miss

I see your photo &

My thoughts of you are like raindrops on flowers…

My thoughts of you are like a full moon shining through a cloudy night sky…

Beautiful.

You are welcome to visit my profile & hope you like my food sculptures pictures

how are you?

Ben

Do you think this one’s getting at what I think he is…?

Whilst I may look like the angriest man in the world in my pics (must take a look at that), I am a very happy guy and full of life and energy, which I want to share with someone. Looks like you may have all the energy you could ever need physically so maybe we can share on a different level?

 

Ok, just come straight out and say it!

I just want to lick you out

Uh, no thanks.

This one made me laugh out loud (Match thought I lived in Broad Oak. I didn’t):

No idea where it is but the blokes in Broad Oak must be either blind or gay. Six pack, stunner and cool. Well enough about me but you ain’t half bad either. I’m moving to Broad Oak.

Bit of an odd opener:

…me and my mates are looking at what’s hopefully going to be the biggest new good trend, edible insects. We’re making a health food bar based around insect protein.

Not for me…!

Older men who love to think they will be the one you will make an exception for. My profile said I was looking for someone between 30 and 38. Did they count differently in your day? 53 doesn’t cut it!

Lovely photos and profile. It’s good to meet you.

Older honest loyal gent with integrity and a zest for life and fun.

often laughing at myself, smiling, would love to share a special moment with “the one”….

Do you have a chemistry set to test us for that elusive click???

Paul

The first add I have read that I actually wanted to go on longer!!

You’re intriguing and seem pretty special (in a nice way!)

I like to think I can dance but it’s not too coordinated!

I don’t think for one minute that I am going to get away with being 35 with 5 years experience. However I wouldn’t want to never know if there could have been a connection.

Dave x

Ok, so he had me laughing and I almost caved! An ‘add’… oh man, I’m advertising myself!

Younger men being all ‘mature’:

Despite not meeting your age request, I thought id ask you a a question anyways, do you believe we were right to go out to the Middle East?

You’re 25 and that’s your opening line?!

The cheesy chat up lines:

Hi how are you ? Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have we never gone on a date?

If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world…

Now as cheesy chat up lines go if that didn’t break the ice and make you smile i don’t know what will

Trying to tempt me into saying “no, I’m not…?”

Hey Naomi

I just read your profile. Brilliant…

If you didn’t so god dam amazing too I would attempt to engage in conversation with you!

You are way out of league I not even gonna try!!!

Not with that grammar…!

First dates ideas. What do you think?

Hi! How are you? I’m Lee. Would you say for a first date going drifting where you get taught how to do doughnuts and control a car in a power slide around a track a good idea?

evening evening my lady,,, you have the most perfect teeth!! ching ching….

Hope you have had a great weekend and are having a relaxing sunday eve ….

you have pretty special eyes too, who ever created you is a genius!! bravo! 🙂

Be great to chat ,, if not then good luck and enjoy your week

C x

Ooh, well done mum and dad! I always thought I had big teeth. Oh wait, you say that to everyone… 

Beware the liars. This guy sent me this message, I never replied and then a while later send me the exact same message! Who are you trying to kid?!

Hey Naomi,

Pls forgive the wink and short email..

I am just sat on a plane and wanted to reach out..

If I may I will send u a longer more interesting email once I land haha

Have a great evening

JayJay..

The “What the hell am I reading?” messages:

Don’t fuck about I’m a better dancer then you

Every so often someone would take the time to write a really nice message, and they’re justa  little insecure…

Hey there Naomi

I was just browsing and came across your profile and thought she seems really cool..

I am from London but was working in South East Asia for a while so have returned back home… Miss the lovely weather 🙂

You probably get loads of messages and so to be honest…why would you want to reply to mine…But….

I’m Open-minded, Generous, Happy, Fun, love to travel, love to meet new people, love music, extremely spontaneous and impulsive, ambitious and passionate about everything I do

I’m very much into Karma and Aura, and how things happen for a reason..and so in that state..I’m going to see if we are meant to be friends (which would mean you will reply to me)…or not.

Like Dr Pepper says “try it..you might like it”

Hope to hear from you

Kal.

PS a joke for you :

Whats the difference between the people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The People from Dubai do not watch “The Flintstones” where as the people from Abu Dhabi doooo!

x

Hi fitness entrepreneur who likes chocolate,

photo 8 … let me guess, Zumba … there is no single man in the auditorium (except the guy with the camera … perv). I would be terrified of tripping, kicking the chair off the stage or forgetting the next move and while thinking about it, everybody imitating me. How do you do that ??

Your sincerely,

Chocolate entrepreneur who likes fitness

The more quirky and inventive messages:

Aloha, Naomi.

Curiosity, the old mother of intelligence, led me to write this quick little letter to you.

As my silly profile text do a poor job at saying much about the person writing it I will attempt to introduce myself here:

My name is Rocko.

I am 72.8% water.

Leader of a small gang of book cover designers by day and children’s book illustrator by night.

I have learned how to ignite the fire within from an early age (learned that you shouldn’t place a fork inside a microwave oven around the same time) and luckily found my own voice in this crazy world.

If you didn’t find this little intro too weird and think that it could be fun to go for a milkshake with a guy like me someday why don’t you write me a line and say hello?

We could both end up with a new friend…

Stay cool, hang loose, admit nothing,

Rocko

Pretty much a marriage proposal…Well, if I end up getting desperate, I have his number! I wonder if it’s still his (I was trying to remember how long ago this was. I think it was 2014)

Hello Beaituful,

You are the princess I am waiting for longtime. Your pitures and profile drescription catch my attension. I am Belal, 25 years old. I am working as a cheff in a indian restaurnt . I am free everyday evening. I want to go out for a dinner/coffee/drink with you whenever is suitable for you. I am leaving my number for you

075**006585

. May be you can say hello in whats app.

I have good socialiable income and I am sure my girlfriend will be the happiest woman ever.

So, dont delay if you want to be the happiest woman ever. wink me and be happy in return.

with love

Belal

This one knows something I don’t know…

Hi how are you? You look like my future wife.?You are very pretty and attractive.your first impression is great.

I like get to know you better.i am IT expert.

Would you like go for drink?you seem kind person.

I am looking for serious relationship if i met the right person and i

Hope to hear from you soon

I like you and want to spend my life with you

The wear your heart on your sleeve kind of guy:

Hi how are you, i just want to tell you want to go to date with nice girl who love me care about me n I do the same for her and we respect to each other’s. I do construction work I do hard work n believe in hard work.

Wow princess u look amazing and out this world x I’d love to have a princess like u to sweep u off ur feet to cloud nine and make u mine x do u have what’s app so I may get to know u better sweetheart xxx if u ain’t shy xx

hi naomi so nice to see your profile it did make me smile. May i ask where are you from? I live near battersea and work near st pauls .

Ok a little more about me, lets see if this is better ( and so you do not think i am some type of freak or workaholic who crunches numbers all day to work out company performances,lol), I have been single now since may of last year, i finished the relationship myself but it lasted for 3 years, got v messy at the end and to be honest, i kinda buried myself into my work, went off to the US and recently decided i should join society. A friend of mine told me about the site so i thought i would give it ago, i am the kinda person who wears his heart on his sleeve so the idea of looking for someone for just one thing does not interest me at all (even though i do get some v weird messages on the site!)if i did want just that it would be easier to get it from a club or bar but the sex would be crap and it would mean nothing and then you have all that bullshit to follow the next day, no thank you! would just be nice to meet someone i kinda click with and see what develops, do i sound too soppy now,lol

Maybe stop saying all that in your first message and you might get somewhere…

And so the joys of internet dating had begun for me…

I hope you’ve been sufficiently amused 😉

SingleNaomi x

Big dick. Little dick.

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Yes, this post is about big dicks and little dicks of the physical kind.

Do not read on if you don’t like sex and Pecker talk! ha!

How many times do you hear people say “the size doesn’t matter, it’s what he does with it that counts!”

BAHAHAH! Really?! You want a guy with a GINORMOUS penis trying to fit it inside you?!

No, really? Well, we know Cass doesn’t 😉

In a previous house share I had a house-mate (still, great friend of mine who you have met before – Minx) whose job involves penises  (penii or penes, whatever your preference).

A LOT of them…

Naturally when she would first start chatting to guys they’d ask what she does for work and inevitably they would talk about their Little Soldier and all their Joystick related issues.

She would then receive all manner of photographs of the Male Member. One evening – I was getting ready to go out on a date and I heard her gasp and laugh, and stifle it, and then call us girls.

I have NEVER seen anything like it. It literally, was like a 3rd leg.

Our mouths dropped open in astonishment as she showed us a photo of his flaccid penis draped over his thigh.

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Honestly I have no idea how his – let’s call it Godzilla – could have made it into any woman’s lady garden unless of course she was crowned queen Vagasaurus.

Of course, we felt bad for him. You could even see the outline – sorry, gigantic bulge – in his normal photos. I wonder if he has ever managed to experience the ecstasy of climax from penetrative sex…

Personally, I have not experienced a penis on this level of BIG and I’m not sure how I’d react if I was ever faced with one. I would at least try not to laugh nervously… Try.

I have however, experienced the tiny ones. Their Lil’ Buddy.  The Lion was one. Seemingly perfect in every other way (except for having time!! haha!) … sigh. Such a waste.

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What must it be like if you are head over heels in love with someone and then discover they have such a teeny tiny Love Stick that you begin to wonder if you have the most vacuous vagina in the world?! How could you imagine spending your life having sex with that person.

Ok, ok he can go down on you, but to not feel anything going on down there… I don’t know.

I said I’d tell you about the Aussie.

  • Fairly short – as in when I wear heels we’re the same height, so I feel like a giant instead of a fairy.
  • No big biceps to hold onto me tight.
  • No broad shoulders to make me feel protected.
  • No sense of ambition in life.

I won’t go on… but all in all, not my ideal of attractive.

But, I’m being more open minded. We get on, get each other’s sense of humour, he’s done some pretty nice things for me when I was having a tough time, and he stroked my back! Yes, without even asking once, he did one of the things I love the most in the world. Stroked my back. Ahhhhh….

And then, he kissed my neck… ai ai ai… nothing can stop me now. Well, that’s what went on in my head at the time anyway.

Oh, and the kissing. You know when you just click with someone and the kissing is AMAZING and sends you into the stratosphere?! It was like that (I hope you’ve been kissed like that before. If not, dump whoever you’re with and go find that! JK)

But, and there is a big – or rather, a little but – he definitely does NOT have an Anaconda. I was like ‘Has it started yet? hmmm… Are you actually doing anything..?’ (no, not out loud!)

Oh no! How could it be?!

Suffice to say, this didn’t last long.

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There was some other stuff that wasn’t ok. It wasn’t just the small dick. I’m not that shallow 😉

Rewind to Christmas time. I’d been dating an ex-pro footballer. Yes, I know!!

He wasn’t premier league or anything so no mansion in Cheshire for me! But there is a Wikipedia page about him and there are newspaper articles about him – and no, I’m not going to tell you who it is.

Super kind. Super interested. Made so much time for me. And he was HOT. Like on fire hot. Exactly the kind of guy I would look at and instantly think “oh yes, I’d have him” (I know you do that too!)

GREAT sized Torpedo – perhaps my favourite name so far. Good length and girth.

It was perfect. NOT long and pokey like the Californian non-committal-I-don’t-want-to-put-a-label-on-this-relationship-non-relationship guy I was dating the previous Christmas (both took me to Winter Wonderland which I LOVED!)

Sex with the Footballer was amazing, always. Well, two hotties together… – JK! We just ‘fit’ well together.

As kind, caring, smoking hot and interested as he was, his lack of ambition just killed it for me.

He had so much going for him, but now too old to continue at that professional level he didn’t have any ambition. Perhaps starting a kids football coaching academy, so I tried to encourage him in that. Nothing materialised. He worked in a factory.

Not very long ago he contacted me again and I asked if he’d made any progress on the business. Alas, he was still in the factory.

Oh, but he’s so hot… and we fit so well together… *dreaming*

I just can’t sustain a relationship with someone who will settle for something that is less than who they are. It’s uninspiring and ultimately boring. Harsh, I know.

So, the treasure hunt for the perfect guy for me continues.

What do you think about the size of the shaft?

 

 

Out of town

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Having deleted my dating apps I’m now slightly restricted in meeting new men. Being a fitness instructor means I generally work ‘anti-social’ hours – I’m teaching classes when people with ‘normal’ jobs are out having fun. And given that I teach dance fitness 99.9% of the people I meet during my working day are not ‘my type’!

Saturday night was an interesting night out given that it’s my first in quite a while outside of London. It was my cousin’s hen night (bachelorette) so it consisted in heavy drinking and fun tasks for my cousin to accomplish throughout the night.

After a tame dinner we made our way out for cocktails and dancing… But we got side-tracked by some live music. We started singing along walking down the road and went on a detour to discover where it was coming from.

Turns out it was a pub with a live band outside and a lot of people dancing along. It was an eclectic mix of people seemingly with nothing in common.

From the 70s clad group of men (there was no indication of a special occasion… Maybe this was their regular Saturday night get up…)


To the more ‘mature’ generation girating to the music…


To the 20-somethings group of lads celebrating someone’s birthday.

One of these guys was desperately trying to win me over. “Seriously I earn more than all the rest of them put together. And I’m by far the most intelligent.” He said having taken his shirt off and then tried to slow dance with me as if we were back in secondary school (high school) at the leaver’s ball (prom)! “What can I do to make you think I’m cool?”

Ugh

We moved on to one of the most strange places I’ve been to: a Chinese restaurant turned into red light district playing cheesy tunes and house. Some young guy was buying me ‘monkey brains’. If you hate vomit textured drinks don’t buy that!

Then these two guys were staring at me for most of the time we were there. Grow a pair wou do you! Eventually one of them came over and chatted with me. Or tried to anyway.  This was a couple of months ago now and I literally cannot remember what he said. I do remember he works and lives in London though and was making some excuse about why he was out on the depths of Kent.

After not too long his slightly less attractive but more excitable friend joined us. He was buzzing and said we’d make the best wedding couple. WTH!

Apparently I looked great in black. So was this to be a funeral or a wedding?!

I didn’t give him my number. I said he could take me out if he managed to find me online and get in touch.

His mate now follows me on Instagram 🙈

Getting fobbed off

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Last time you heard from me I’d deleted my dating apps. Tinder, gone. Match, gone. Inner Circle, gone. Bumble, gone. Before I deleted Match there was one guy I was interested in and had exchanged one or two messages with. So, I left him my number, explained I was deleting the app and said get in touch if you want.

Before I deleted Match there was one guy I was interested in and had exchanged one or two messages with. So, I left him my number, explained I was deleting the app and said get in touch if you want.

(I’d also been chatting with an Aussie guy on Tinder… more about him later.)

About 3 weeks later a text arrived from M. We exchanged a couple of texts before he asked me if I was around the following weekend to meet up.

As it happened I’d just cancelled something I had planned for that weekend, so I was available and he asked for my Saturday evening.

Interesting. Guys don’t normally give their Saturday evenings out lightly.

M: “Do you drink?”

Me: “I do…”

M: “Do you have to work Sunday?”

Me: “Are you planning on getting me completely trashed?!”

It had been a gorgeous sunny day but was a little cooler in the evening breeze. I made an effort but was wearing a simple outfit: dark jeans and a light top with heels. As I walked to Putney Bridge to meet M, I did a quick video catch up with Cass explaining I knew pretty much nothing about him except he is 29 – my little brother’s age – is a 6 foot 2 optometrist and lives just across the bridge from me.

That’s it. We hadn’t spoken on the phone and had sent only a couple of texts to arrange the date. Given how often people cancel arrangements I had taken the plans with a pinch of salt thinking he may text to cancel at any time… but he didn’t.

I was excited but also a little nervous as I headed to our meeting place wondering where exactly we would actually meet and if we would recognise each other – always a danger when ‘meeting’ online! Will he be 4 feet tall? Will he have crazy facial hair? Will he be dressed like a tramp…? What is my plan for getting out of this without just have that shocked expression, turning and running away screaming, arms flailing…!

At 8 o’clock on the dot he called me. “Hey Naomi! It’s M.” After the quick “how are yous?” I added, “I’m walking down, probably about 5 minutes away.” He replied, “Great, see you soon!”

Either he was there and waiting or he was also running a little late, but it was thoughtful of him to call me so I wouldn’t have been there standing around on a street corner or thinking I’d been stood up!

I reached the bridge and looked around. I couldn’t see anyone resembling him so I made my way across the bridge looking out at the beautiful views across the river Thames. I find the river so invigorating, but calming at the same time. It’s where I go to reflect and recharge.

Just as I got to the south side of the river M called me again. He’d walked over to my side and we must have crossed over!

Maybe he doesn’t look anything like his photos, given that we must have walked straight past each other and not noticed. Oh, but that also means that I don’t look like mine…

He walked back over to me and I waited trying to look as nonchalant as possible.

As he walked up to me, beaming smile on his face, he told me how amazing I looked. Good start 😉

He looked good too, although I questioned why he was wearing a sweater in that heat…and he laughed nervously and said he thought the same thing. Even though he wasn’t wearing anything under it, he said he’d still give it me if I got cold! Ha!

We went to a riverside bar and got a drink. Anyone who takes me to the river automatically gets points. We managed to find a cosy table and sat back next to each other on the cushions.

Fairly relaxed chat although he would kind of freak out at questions. At one point I even found myself saying ‘Just say what you think or what it is, without wondering if I’m going to like the answer because if I like it then it means I like the real you, and if I like something you tell me that’s not true, then that would be a bit crappy’… or something along those lines.

I don’t know why but I felt really ‘old’ with him. There are younger guys I’ve been out with and felt just the same, normal. But this was weird, like I was having to teach him about life. He was cute, shy, nervous… But that’s not really what I’m looking for.

Cass sent me a video of herself in Cali and since M had gone to get another drink, I was watching it. As he came back he caught the end of it and she was asking me to send a video.

So I did and then… he tried to kiss me on it. He actually half stood up and did a sideways swoop to dive in… I’m like whoaw!

The bar was closing and he asked what I’d like to do, to which I replied ‘go to bed’ without even thinking twice. I said he could walk me across the bridge if he wanted to.

We walked across still chatting, and he held me. He has a good, strong body which I could feel supporting me – I love that. I turned to him to say goodbye and then came the most awkward thing I’ve been asked…

“uh, so… do you… like…. have coffee at your place or something..?

I couldn’t help myself. I just burst out laughing. “Actually, I do have coffee but you’re not coming to have any tonight.”

But I did say I’d like to see him again. I wanted to see if the shyness was him, or a first date thing.

We arranged for Sunday… Saturday came…

“Hey Max, just checking in for tomorrow…?”

“Defo up for tomorrow. Is the evening good for you?”

Sunday came. Sunday went.

“What’s the story Max? Hope everything is ok…?”

Now, I know emergencies come up and I would never assume that someone has just stood me up just in case. I’ll also never let someone get off lightly but just leaving it. They need to explain and apologise for wasting my time.

“I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot! Thought we arranged for Monday for some reason.”

He never got a reply from me. He was ‘fobbing me off’ as my dear mother would say…

 

Still searching…

SingleNaomi x