And it happens again…
The whole jostle between open minded optimism and instinctive experience saying ‘back off’ is a never ending cycle.
I see hundreds of couples each week. Some look like they obviously fit together and some make me ask myself ‘how did that happen?’ But they are clearly happy and they found one another. Do they work? Are they going to last? Well that’s none of my business but right now, they are together and I am still single and there’s clearly something wrong with me I am unaware of. I have my ideas that no one seems to be willing to admit to. All I hear is ‘How are you possibly single?’ Then they let me continue that way.
I am the queen of meeting men who are not ready, not single enough, not in the right place. I meet an amazing man and wonder what is wrong with him these days because experience shows there is always ‘something’. The most common is that they are recently single. They think they are ready, they jump right in excited to have met me. I ask the questions and they tell me they are ‘over it’. In the back of my mind I am sceptical but I want to be open minded. What if I push away the guy I’ve been waiting to find? What if he really is solid and in control of his emotional well being? What do I have to lose? I will just be on my own and that’s where I am right now anyway.
The thing is, being open minded means allowing someone in. It means allowing feelings to grow. I’m torn between feeling and denying feelings. If I’m honest though, I do care about humans easily in many different ways. I may not be the best at expressing those feelings physically but I make up for it in thoughtfulness and generosity.
I love to laugh and someone who can make me laugh earns big points. Someone who makes effort is a huge bonus. Add to that attraction and I’m finding it difficult to deny the potential.
Let’s talk about ‘Cake Guy’.
He was a true Tinder surprise.
So yes, I have kept my tinder profile active in the light of ‘you never know’. I’ve explained before that i don’t pay too much importance on it in my life but it keeps me occupied at home alone, hiding from the world socially and who knows?
Cake Guy had a simple profile with nice photos sharing a kind, happy smile. He looked active, was a good age and just seemed like someone I should at least chat with.
I swiped and we matched.
He wrote to me first which is what I like. Even though it’s a modern way of connecting, I think you can still keep some old fashioned ways. It is a modern way of the man making the first move. So we chatted a little on Tuesday and what I rarely do is share my phone number. The last time I did was a year before this. Let’s go back to ‘Fist Pump’. He was a similar connection and that didn’t work out either. We sent some messages and then just thought we should speak on the phone instead of a million messages. So much laughter!
We wanted to meet … another thing that I don’t do easily. He arranged to have lunch with me the next day. He arrived and he was gorgeous! Tall and handsome and with an awesome smile. When he went back to his car to grab something I quickly sent a voice message to Naomi to tell her this surprising positive update (there are many on the less than positive side!). We walked to a cafe and it was so easy. Our food was not nice which made us laugh more! We walked back and he said ‘I like you’.
He also did some high kicks down the Main Street to be silly and I enjoyed how uncool he was, happy to just relax and have fun. My kind of person for sure. Some bad Dad Jokes that weren’t even funny, but the child like fun in it made me smile.
We talked and sent texts continually and those butterflies I had forgotten existed were right there. The smile hardly left my face. Great banter and a lot of attention. My phone would vibrate and I would look down and see his name in a message and smile. Finally a man who knows how to be the man!
Cake Guy has kids and has them one week on, one week off. It was his week with his kids. We chatted around his time with them. On Friday he came to visit me at work. I love that sort of surprise! On Saturday whilst on the phone on my way to work, I mentioned I needed to call a cake shop to ensure they stayed open and would reserve a particular cake for me. After work I needed to collect the cake and take it to a birthday dinner.
He asked did I have a fridge at work and I do. I added that I don’t have the particular cake shop I need anywhere near by, so I can’t take one into work. He said he asked because he could get one and bring it to me so I don’t have to worry after work. This is what he did.
This is what makes me stand up and notice someone. These are the types of things I do for people. I am the girl who is always thinking of how I can help make someone’s day easier, make them smile. This guy, ‘Cake Guy’ was someone like me. He was earning big bonus points and he wasn’t even trying it seems… it’s just who he is.
I’ve always hoped for a man who makes some effort. A man who is thoughtful and doesn’t question those thoughtful things. Could he be anymore perfect when it comes to what I consider normal human behaviour? Anymore of who I have been hoping would appear in my life one day?
Sunday he wanted to pick me up after work and wouldn’t tell me what our plans were. We went to a lovely restaurant for dinner. He looked at me and said ‘How are you single?’ One reason is because I tend to assume a guy isn’t interested and I friend zone them. I think I’m not a very romantic person in general and I keep things friendly. I tend to be quite shy physically initially so perhaps my body language doesn’t seem too encouraging either. Basically, I am not the world’s easiest girl to make out with! I am sure I give off that vibe.
I also don’t bother meeting guys often because they don’t keep my interest. I think it’s simple. I want a man who makes an effort. Without effort, you don’t keep my interest. I always think this way… if he isn’t prepared to make an effort at the start, what does that say about him down the track? I’m all about effort and I know I will always be there making effort for him. I’m extremely attentive and generous in many ways. Show me your respect and loyalty and you have all of mine and then some more. Being thoughtful, wanting to make him smile. The number of men who just don’t try is astounding. Basically, I just don’t go out and meet many men. I don’t enjoy feeling let down continually.
We went for a drive to a pretty place and had hot tea whilst we chatted and laughed some more. The whole night was laughter and great conversation. Obvious attraction to the point we told each other again, ‘I like you’.
Cake Guy had to go away for work the next morning for a week. He was doing a road trip so I thought chatting to him as he drove would help him keep awake and keep some laughter in his day. It was a very long drive there and back taking the whole week. As the week wore on, the contact became less. I guess on the road you spend a lot of time thinking and who knows where his thoughts went.
So what’s wrong with Cake Guy?
I’m not saying there actually is but my thoughts are that he has only been single three months after a three year relationship. Yes I know everyone is different but I’ve met this man before… he says he is ready. I want to believe that but experience tells me it won’t work out. Why couldn’t I have met him in another three months time? I want him now. I am always ready!!! I am aware of where I’m at and who I am. I know everything I have ready to share. I long for the right man at the right time at the right place but I keep meeting either 95% man or 2% man – purely because he seems to have a penis. 95% man is perfect in all ways except one little issue… whatever it may actually be.
It’s already happening. He is already backing off. If I’m honest? I have seen this happening so I’ve started to do the same myself. My thinking is that ‘If you wanted to you would’. The first week he was on the phone and texting non stop. Now he doesn’t respond, and texts all day have become one text if I’m lucky. Then a surprise phone call which makes me feel silly for assuming the worst. I’m keeping it distant regardless. For a start, I deserve better than that sort of behaviour and not because I am Cass, because I am a decent human being. Guys like me. They get excited to meet someone like me and jump right in. Then it fades out.
Do any other women wonder if there are other factors they don’t want to tell you?
Did you not look good enough naked?
Is your vagina ugly?
Are your boobs ugly?
Is your bum too wobbly?
Did you make weird faces?
Did you not feel good?
Are you crap in bed?
All those thoughts and more start entering your head when men do this this. You can’t help but start thinking too much about all sorts of reasons. You retrace conversation, moments, actions. You wonder…
Did he take something the wrong way? Did he see something you weren’t aware he didn’t like? Did you talk too much? Did you not respond enough?
Just WT actual F?
To those reading whose response is ‘Not all guys are a let down’. ‘Maybe you choose the wrong guys’. ‘You’re too picky’. Just for some examples.
Don’t think I’ve not heard this before so let me put it simply. I see so much sadness and lack of self love in people who are in relationships because it is easier than being alone. They stay in relationships that are not healthy because they don’t want to deal with the other option. They stay for their kids. Whatever it is, they are unhappy and they are sad and they are possibly missing out on something amazing.
I had a conversation recently with two people close to me and asked them (both female) when the last time was they had sex with their partners. They were both grossed out by the thought and ‘over six months’ was an answer. Without going into this further, I don’t want that. I don’t need to always be having sex, but if I am with someone, I want to want to, and I want to be wanted. It’s an intimacy thing. It’s a willingness to want to please them and make them feel good, feel cared for, wanted, loved.
They find their partners disgusting physically. They don’t like their living habits. They also tell them this but nothing changes. Maybe with a different type of connection and communication they would work together and overcome this. They settle with life how it is. Don’t get me wrong. They both say they are happy with them as their friends and there is more to it than that. Everyone accepts what they are willing to settle for and I am not here to judge them, only myself, and what I see I don’t want. I want more. I’ll stay single rather than settle for something I need to pretend is right. I know it isn’t just about sex but I believe it is definitely about intimacy.
Whether that intimacy is physical or from the heart, I want to matter to someone who matters to me.
Cake Guy… we would actually be pretty bloody perfect when you are ready. Thanks for reminding me that great men do exist. Thanks for the laughs. Thanks for making me smile.
You are going to make some woman extremely lucky one day. I hope she knows this. It would have been even more amazing had that lucky woman had been me.
Who knows, maybe you will work it out and come looking for me. There is a pretty good chance I’ll still be hiding from the world and still be single because you men are just becoming an endless let down and I want so much for that not to be the case. I really do. Please send me someone who makes me eat my words and not cake!
And people wonder why I’m single!