Pee Steve


I don’t relate to the following video link for an ex because I’m quite open about the process with someone I have spent time caring for. If I love a person, that never goes it just changes ‘how’. The two relationships I have had I the past 13 years were with amazing men. One long term and one less but both gave me much happiness. I could never have negative feelings for someone i spent time caring for because I don’t care for undeserving people, only good people take part of my heart.
What I DO relate this to, is dating. Meeting someone and being awkward and misjudging their thoughts. Assuming something and possibly never finding out what they really think.

He doesn’t like me. He only likes me as a friend. He doesn’t think I’m attractive. He thinks I’m boring. I am not his type. He isn’t interested. Maybe he thought I wasn’t interested. Maybe he thinks I’m not attracted to him. Maybe he thinks I don’t have time for him. Maybe he is intimidated by my Independence. Maybe he doesn’t like dogs!
I always assume a guy I spend time with doesn’t remember me. That he never thinks of me. That I didn’t leave a lasting impression. Then I have forgotten someone – cause I tend to do this – and then they see me and have some familiar interaction and remember everything I struggle to have a memory of.

I didn’t this once. I dated someone a long time ago for about eight months. He was seemingly excited to see me a few years later. My sister pointed ‘Steve’ out and I assumed she was acknowledging a friend of hers. She reminded me I used to go out with him. I looked up and he was a guy I dated. We chatted and swapped numbers. He was keen to chat. He kept bringing up ‘remember when we did this, remember when we did that?’ I actually didn’t remember these things and he was disappointed.

I remembered where I lived when I was seeing him but nothing about our time together except that he used to pee the bed when he was drunk! I remember he worked at the local bottle shop saving money for surf trips.   I used to bake food for him and take it to him. (He reminded me). That just made me want to make veggie pasties!

He told me he was bummed when I broke up with him cause I was one of the ‘nicest girlfriends he has ever had!’ This is when it hit me. I assumed he never really liked me. I thought he wished he was with my friend instead of me, but she wasn’t single. I never thought I was good enough. When he was going overseas I broke up with him because that was the ‘best idea’. Why? Because I didn’t want him to break up with me first. Because he could then be single to meet someone he liked more.  Because I wasn’t good enough.

Learning that me breaking up with him affected him on some way was the biggest surprise. I didn’t think guys ever thought about girls after.  I know at that point in my life though, that I was not in the best place. I had been through a break up that took many years to heal from. I didn’t have any confidence and I assumed I was not good enough for anyone. I tend to block memories sub consciously perhaps to protect myself.
Being older and looking back you can see these paths you took and highlight the points you now know better from. You think you have your shit together but I often find myself steering down familiar paths and needing to correct myself from making those same errors. I still feel bad about Pee Steve. He’s a really good guy! I wonder if he still thinks I was never good enough for him! Haha


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