Eyes Guy #4

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IMG_4630Eyes Guy 4

I’ve always been surprised when I learn that a guy does actually think about you when you’re gone. That they do actually have memories they like to hold onto. I once dated a guy for eight months and had no idea years later that this was such meaningful time in his life.

Let me digress as I do so well!

I had very little confidence in myself when I was younger. When I was dating Steve (I’m calling him Steve because his name is Steve!) I had previously been with one of the greatest loves of my life. I had been quite depressed for sometime after that ended … That’s a story for another time. I’ve discovered there are parts of my life I just don’t remember the details of. Looking further into I, I believe these times are parts of my life that I subconsciously want to forget.

Short story is this… I was out on the coast other my sister at a bar that was popular with the over 30s crew at the time. I often walk around the other my head down and am very awkward sometimes full of anxiety walking into social situations. I’m a little socially awkward and shy. Yes, I am. I followed my sister in. She seemed to be noticed by people and my shyness leads to me wanting to blend in and not stand out. It’s funny right? I would get ready hoping to look nice and be noticed as looking nice, yet when I went out I wanted to hide in the shadows! I am still like this today.

My sister said ‘Hey there’s Steve’. I just sort of ignored her nodding or something as I assumed she thought I knew someone I didn’t. She said ‘Cass… There’s STEVE!’ I replied ‘OK who is Steve?’ She said ‘STEVE!!! Your old boyfriend’. Then I replied ‘Steve? I never went out with a Steve?’ I said this as I looked up and saw Steve smiling at me. ‘Oh…. Steve’. Yes I did go it with this guy but had completely forgotten about him. Poor guy! He is really sweet. He seemed excited to see me about seven years later. We swapped numbers.

IMG_4625He was reminiscing on the phone after that and saying ‘Remember this and remember that?’ I ended up saying that I was so very sorry but I honestly don’t! I then said to him, ‘How long did we go out for?’ When he told me eight months I was shocked!. My mind started racing. He said ‘I was devastated when you broke up with me. You were the nicest girlfriend I ever had!’
Wow …. Guys care?
He reminded me of some things and I had some memories come back. He said he was going overseas and I said we should just break up. Oh that’s right, I remember that. That’s like breaking up with someone before they break up with you! Insecurity took hold. Meh… Anyway, poor Steve was so lovely but what he didn’t know was that I never thought he really ever liked me that much because I didn’t like me that much. Because I didn’t think I mattered to him I assumed he would just want to break up when he went overseas so I suggested it first then decided that is what we were doing. Who knew he actually cared?

IMG_4619Ok back on subject….

I needed a big change in my life.
It was summer and it was hot
I had some family issues and after ten years of high and not so high times, a wonderful but long term relationship that had ended and a business that had risen and fallen over the GFC, I needed a fresh start.

Eyes Guy had introduced me to an area I never knew existed and I decided this was a place I felt at home. It has huge green leafy old trees lining the streets. It has beautiful old buildings converted into apartments. It is across the river and the area is designed for your to enjoy inner city living with an old world charm. You can jump on a water taxi and go wherever you like. Restaurants and micro breweries and more yoga and Crossfit than you could ever imagine in such a small circumference. It takes less than ten minutes to get home from the city yet it is so peaceful and pretty.

I wanted to live there. As I have a beauty business as well, I needed somewhere to set up a business. I toyed between signing a commercial lease and setting up a stand alone salon, renting a room in an existing salon or working from home. I needed to spend some time looking into all options so I started with somewhere to live and somewhere to set up a salon and moved between meetings with agents for residential and commercial properties.

This particular area is in a flood zone and one commercial space i liked was a bit suspicious. Someone whispered that it had recently flooded so I knew I needed someone to take a look at it for me. Eyes Guy and I had had a bit of small talk ‘how are you’ chats here and there and I trust him to protect my best interest. He is in the construction industry which he takes much pride in. I messaged him and asked him would he be able to take a look at it sometime soon and check it out for signs of previous and potential flooding. He knew the area well.

He said he could and gave me a time the next day. I didn’t want to be there as I wanted to ensure he knew I was purely after some help with the building. I organised for the agent to have the space unlocked. I was still going there as I had a residential space to look at but was wanting to avoid personal contact with Eyes Guy. He was messaging me giving me the impression he was thinking I wanted to meet him there and I explained it would be open and that I was not able to get there at that time. Strangely (a-hem) he was late and possibly stretched it out until the time I was available (cause I thought it was safe saying causally that I couldn’t make it until 2pm). Lucky I was dressed nice hoping to impress agents. Not a good idea to turn up looking like a mess! I politely said hello to Eyes Guy and showed him to the property which in all fairness, he really took seriously and gave me his advice. I deferred away from his questions on details as he was starting to dish out opinions and advice. All in the vein of wanting to be helpful which I was polite about, but I wasn’t asking more of him than just this favour.

Did I mention it was hot? IMG_4626.PNGIt was especially hot and just standing in the shade not moving still brought a layer of humidity induced sweat over your body. He was walking home so I asked did he was a lift in my (air conditioned) car. It was the polite thing to do. He jumped in and we chatted and it was actually really nice. If I care about someone it is difficult for me to ignore them or not want to make sure they are ok. We will always have that unusual connection that happens even without words. It was nice just talking with the ‘nice’ Eyes Guys… The good guy. The one that makes me laugh. The kind man.

He invited me up to his (air conditioned) place to chat a bit more and I went. It was nice. Was really good to catch up on the last few or more months. Was time for me to get going so I got up to leave and gave him a hug. Hugs are always great with him. He decided to walk me to my car. Before I got in my car he just grabbed either side of my face and kissed me… Yes … This old thing again! I was blind sided completely. No intention no idea this would happen. Gahhhh!!!

Things were confusing but I would not allow him to get in the way of my plans. I found an amazing apartment and I loved it. I found the perfect solution for my business and could not have been more excited. Eyes Guy was forth coming and I can’t remember the exact way it happened but I apprehensively starred getting closer to him and him with me again. I had a huge barrier erected emotionally and was not about to allow him to suck me in again. We were making out and I said to him ‘WTF we don’t have a connection?’ He said these words to me
“I know. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean. If I ever say that to you again, just ignore me”

The difficult thing here is this.
I could not trust in him being ‘that guy’. I never allowed myself to relax and be me. I never allowed myself to fall in-love with him. I had how accepted that this was just a friendship (not a great one because that would mean both people act as friends not just me) with.a difference. It was very different her never friends with benefits. When we were together we were just that.

IMG_4615I started to choose my battles. I would be around then not around depending on how he treated me. He never spoke to me poorly or did anything to harm me. What he did so was ignore me. I never ignore people. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone especially someone who has some significance in your life .. And I did. Despite the less great times with him, I always knew he cares he just made me feel shit otherwise, mostly due to ignoring me. Did I mention ignoring is mean???

I remember saying we are just friends and I felt like I was: I had gotten to know him so well and yes you are correct… Alcohol was an evil dark shadow in his life. I had watched or become make obvious to me and he allowed me in his everyday life more and more. We would stay with each other and not have sex just be beside each other. As I said, I would stay away from him because I needed the time away. Sometimes he was too much for me to emotionally manage. I needed distance from him. I would however, feel something sometimes that made me contact him again and it was when he needed me. He became able to tell me about his doctor appointments. He finally told his doctor he was concerned he has a problem with alcohol. His doctor asked him some questions and concluded that he didn’t have a drinking problem he just self mediated to get to sleep. So he gave him some sleeping tablets which should not be taken with alcohol… Hmm.

Eyes Guy had previously tried to stop drinking and was excited about his progress. He stopped drinking during the week. I said I would give up Pepsi Max and fresh muffins! He was meant to stop drinking altogether for eight weeks on a fitness challenge. I sabre to support him and I love muffins! I did my part and continued thereafter on my own as I had stopped talking to him.

This time I stopped was when he was leaving the area for a while with work. He had not given me any thoughts which was obvious and it wasn’t the nicest feeling. I spent some time thinking about how to out this situation into perspective for me. I’m a logical thinker and need to give such things reason. I asked to meet with him and this is what I said.

IMG_4617I said ‘I have been trying to work out what I mean to you. What I am worth in your life. Most men would be over the moon about looking forward to coming home to someone like me at the end of the day. To see me when they get home. To hug me and kiss me and sit down and have dinner with me. Talk about their day, laugh and sleep beside me. Not you. You look forward to for home to vodka so I thought about my worth to you and think it’s around $25 or $20 on sale… About half a bottle of vodka. I’m worth far more than $20 so I am not doing this anymore. I adore you and love you unconditionally. I love you for who you are. I know your demons and love you regardless and I always will. When you are ready I will be here and I will hold your hand. I will always hold your have but that’s all I can do now, just as your friend.’

He said ‘I never felt a connection with you anyway’.

A-ha, yep, I know ….
(Time for eye roll insertion!)

IMG_4627

Anyway, we walked back together and In my mind, we were friends. I knew though this meant being ignored again. I still message and I still kept being that friend who didn’t let him ever feel alone.

Off he went to work with a million thoughts on his mind to a place he didn’t want to be working at. Now it is Winter and there is still more to come.

I want to say at this point that I dearly and completely love this human with all my heart. This story is on going and there is much I haven’t mentioned and more still untold. He has been horrible to me often but what i think he wanted to believe for so long, was that I wanted a relationship with him. I did at first, of course I did and at other points I wished the good times would last. For me, I made a promise to him. This type of behaviour loses friends. I don’t blame them either. People don’t know what is going on in someone else’s life and unless you notice there is a problem or someone tells you, you don’t know. Therefore you take such behaviour as offensive. Not keeping in touch can eventually just push people away. People assume they are rude or too busy and just stop calling. No didn’t want to be that person. I wanted to be the friend who stayed by his side even if from a distance sometimes. I just wanted him to be happy and feel loved. I can never explain the connection we have as mentioned before. There is a bond that keeps us together, sometimes closer than others. He isn’t a bad person, he just acts bad sometimes. I don’t make excuses for him and I’m not naive to the situation. I made choices I own. I allowed myself to be in situations that made me sad, feel let down and disrespected. I knew what the outcome of my texts or calls would be at times… Ignored, plans changed and so on. I found it heartbreaking. How could someone so loving and kind at times be so mean and selfish the others? Why would someone who tells me what a beautiful person I am, treat me with such rejection so often?

IMG_4631

I take a breath and remember it’s Eyes Guy and that is what he does…. When he is pushing me away.

 

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