To add some spice to our blog, I’ve come across some stories not written by Naomi or myself but from women who we think are hilarious, open, fun and gorgeous and whom we have asked if they would mind that we share them with you.
These are not our regular type of stories. They contain language and themes that are a bit more risqué than what we would normally write about, but at the same time are just fabulous! Most are tinder stories, and as we go along I’m going to copy and paste them for your reading enjoyment.
If you are not open to some colourful language and more sexual themes then please don’t continue to read.
I’m going to just simply copy these written stories and drop them in here with no corrections, no additions, just exactly as they were written, and I really hope you have a laugh and enjoy.
Just to reiterate I do have permission from these ladies to copy and paste their stories here. I could name them and make them more fabulous so that you could enjoy them even further. However, we have chosen to protect them, so let’s just say they are written by ‘a friend’.
To this friend or friends we just want to say thank you so much for being so much fun just being you…. You are inspiringly amazing ❤️
Here we go ….
💋hold on to your tits girls cause this is one hell of a ride💋
*WARNING, LOTS OF SWEARING AND DICK AND BAGGING OUT SHIT GUYS*
Before I begin I’d just like to state that the following stories are 110% real. Yes, my luck is actually this bad. Hard to believe? Same.
So here are my worst tinder date experiences.
1. This is the very first tinder experience I had. The guy I swiped right for super liked me. That should have been a warning sign.
He looked ok from his 2 very blurry photos and he was nice enough. I decided to give him a go. So he comes to pick me up one day and his car is an absolute mess. I’m talking empty cans, dirty clothes, shoes, grass and dirt all through it, tabacco- just fucking filthy. And I’m all dolled up like the fucking angel I am. Anyway this prick is bloody 6ft something tall and my head probs reached his ballsack (im exaggerating)
So within the hour of meeting me he asks me to be his girlfriend. I freaked out and said yes because I’m fucking socially inept.
He took me back to his and he drives like a maniac and I thought “well fuck it, at least he might be a good root and I’ll get something out of this date.”
Jesus did not prepare me for what came next.
This guy had been telling me all day that his dick was big, saying escorts have turned him down cause it’s too big. I laughed it off because every guy says that.
HOLY mother Mary of GoD this thing was a fucking MONSTER
My vagina literally clamped shut at the sight of it.
BUT MUMMA DIDN’T RAISE NO QUITTER SO I DECIDED TO JUST GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH.
💋worst tinder dates💋 POST 2👏👏
Ok so this is like one of the 5th guys I met up with.
He was italian but looked spanish, hot as all fuck and rich as hell. He mentioned he wanted to be more than a fuckbuddy and I was pretty keen for a relo because i get a bit slutty when im single and I have a fear of STDs so i decided i should probably settle.
Anyway, he shows up, we go to a bar and im drooling at the sight of him and I literally cannot wait to get to his house.
We were chatting and at the time I was talking to about 20+ other guys on tinder and whatnot and I’d been setting up dates all week. His phone buzzez and he laughs and goes “hey, do you know this guy”
And to my horror it was one of the guys I was sexting on tinder
Double booked them
WAIT FOR IT, THAT’S NOT ALL FOLKS
I played it cool and was like “Ha yeah, I was chatting to him for a while, totally forgot about him though, I clearly picked the hotter one”
Holy mary mother of god someone pass me an oxygen tank or some tequila because he then goes
“Lol that’s my bestfriend.”
Have you ever just kind of wanted the ground to sink in and swallow you whole? Yeah, I was hoping for a fucking hiroshima explosion to go off and kill me.
THANKFULLY he laughed it off and then his friend texted me saying he doesn’t go for whores anyway so he’s not that cut up
mmmmm OKAY BOOBOO THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT WHILE YOU WERE WANKING OVER MY NUDES BUT THATS FINE GO DRINK YOUR BIG OL CUP OF TESTOSTERONE AND GTFO OUTTA HERE SO I CAN BANG YOUR BUDDY
Anyways we left the bar and went to his house and I swear I came in 2 seconds when I saw how clean his room was. Mate that makes me horny as fuck. God I love not being able to smell ur shitstained underwear that’s been in the corner for 3 months 😍
Anyways im horny af but for some reason I didnt actually plan on staying over that night so I didn’t wear any lingerie i wore FUCKING SPANX
AND NOT LIKE A BODICE SUIT
BUT LIKE THE FUCKING GRANDMA ONES THAT ARE HIGH WAISTED
So im internally freaking out ready for the big reveal of my sexually appealing attire and the guy puts on the Dictator on his tv
Get it? Cause Dic (k)tator?
Fuck I’m a funny cunt.
So I’m watching this racist as fuck movie and its really hard to get in the mood but eventually he took his shirt off and we were making out and stuff and then THE PART WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR
I was honestly so excited I was like yaaaaas gonna get me sum diiiccckk tonighT
Of course though, Jesus had other plans for me.
Have you ever been that unfortunate kid at christmas who unwraps a gift enthusiastically and then you see It’s like a pair of kmart undies and you sit there looking like someone just shot your grandmother and you’re physically so upset that you didn’t get Barbie’s Mansion that you look at the camera your mum is holding and burst into an ugly fit of tears and everyone laughs at your expense?
Well friends, in that moment, I was that kid. He pulled down his pants and I didn’t know wether to laugh or just straight up cry.
It was a cheerio.
Fit for a toddler.
I begged the gods to give me strength and I put on my game face thinking I’d still give him a chance. I was reluctantly giving him the best damn blowjob that a fucking cheerio has ever recieved when suddenly I felt a bit of wetness in my underwear
Now I’m not one to catch on quickly so I assumed I was just turning myself on with how great I was so I kept going
The wetness kept coming
Surely not even I, the sexiest woman alive, can turn myself on THAT much. I swear there was enough liquid to drown a small child.
So I quickly made him give himself a wristy onto me so that I had an excuse to run to the bathroom and clean up
And of course,
With my luck
and my sense of timing
The fucking red sea had decided to pay me a visit.
No pad, no tampons, and a heavy flow. I screamed internally and checked his bathroom draws (he lived with a chick and a guy)
I was despo for a pad
But the bitch must keep them in her damn room or something so I do a quick left right check and sprint to the toilet
I fold up about a trees worth of toilet paper and put it in my damn underwear then put the spanks over it. I look like im wearing an adult diaper.
And I’m freaking out
So I go to his room and SEDUCTIVELY turn the lights off. By seductively I mean I didn’t want him to see me wearing a months worth of his toilet paper.
I thought that this night could not get any weirder. I told him i didnt want to have sex and he was fine with it – naw look at him not being a rapist and shit, so cute.
But then we started talking about our kinks
And I have none because I’m a vanilla bean frappucino from starbucks
But lo and behold the man goes to his wardrobe and pulls out this massive fucking black strap on.
Then a doggy collar and leash.
And a box full of anal toys.
I went bright red cause like wtf i cant do that stuff im basically the most virgin whore you’ll ever meet I dont have THE BALLS TO TRY THAT
YAnd even if i did
What was i meant to do with the dog collar and leash
throw a bone?
Make him fetch?
Take him to the dog park?
Teach him how to play dead?
LIKE I HAVE A DOG AND I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY DOG SO ID RATHER NOT PRETEND YOU’RE A DOG PLS
So before he could even ask me to peg him with that mike tyson sized dildo I blurted out “IM ON MY PERIOD CAN I GO TO SLEEP NOW”
He looked so taken aback considering I literally half yelled it.
I didnt care tho
I aint walkin no dildo in the ass loving human-dog
Not today sir
So we went to sleep and in the morning i asked to go for a maccas run to pretend last night didn’t happen.
Ladies, if all of the above hadn’t put me off, this next part did.
All he ordered was a bacon and egg mcmuffin.
*edit: if those are your kinks i fully respect you and envy your bravery but honestly i could just not take one for the team that night soz*
TO BE CONTINUED ……