You know when it’s going really well with a guy, but it hasn’t been very long and you don’t want to admit to anyone that you actually really like this one, because that will jinx it and he’ll never speak to you again…?
It’s now the end of January which means I’ve known The Shy One for about a month and as I write that I’m surprised at how little time has passed.
This is happening to me: I don’t want to tell anyone that things are good because you know, when you do, that’s when it all goes wrong. (Why am I writing this again?!)
I was just catching up with my sister and she asked me how things were going with him. “Interesting what a great guy he is – so far! – especially considering how we met!”
This needs an explanation: Over Christmas I decided to have a bit of fun and conduct an experiment – I must admit I was doing it to try to get material to write for this blog! I’ve often changed dating profiles to see what difference it makes and the different types of guys I attract. But this was something I’ve not done before and even went to the extreme of creating a fake Facebook profile with a fake name…why, you ask?! (well the FB thing because you have to connect it to Tinder to create an account.) But the fake name because…
I posted one photo on my new Tinder profile: A naked one.
My face was not there and it was just the back of my body, but I was naked and I was Jessica.
I wrote a full profile mostly stating what I was looking for and what I most definitely wasn’t looking for and then I got swiping.
I swiped and swiped… left, left, left… on and on. Occasionally (very occasionally) I swiped right. Only for men who I was really attracted to. No point wasting your time on ‘maybes’ or the ones that look ok in one pic but you’re not sure in the others, or they’re wearing sunglasses in every shot but their body is incredible…No. Just no.
One of the first guys who wrote to me ended up telling me to get over myself! He had asked me why he should bother putting in any hard work if he can’t see my face or doesn’t know my real name, to which I said, “You don’t have to. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it or not and if you don’t think it is, just un-match me.”
I only had one other ‘bad’ reaction: a guy who just wanted sex. I’d clearly stated that I wasn’t looking for hook ups so he was out (but if I had been, he most definitely would have been in!)
That left several promising matches and I made my profile private after just one day so no one else would see me and I could focus on those guys who did get in touch.
Most of them asked me straight away for a photo of my face but I replied that I wanted to wait to see if there was a connection first and asked if they were ok with that. They all said yes!
There was one who didn’t ask for quite a long time which of course stood out, and I loved the way he asked: “So if we were to walk past each other in the street how would I know if was you?”
I never ended up meeting him despite having great conversation. I think he still had hang ups from an ex even though he said he was over that. Realistically he also lives too far away. Onwards.
The second question was almost always ‘who took the photo?’ Have they never heard of a timer…?
I had the best conversations with these guys. I asked direct questions and they all gave direct and seemingly very honest answers. Perhaps because they could’t see my face it was less of a big deal to reveal truths. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.
It was really interesting and all but that one told me they were ultimately looking for a woman to settle down with (of course we know they might have been lying, but I didn’t feel they were – they had no reason to.) We talked about a fair amount before it felt like a natural point to tell them my name is actually Naomi and then ask for their number to send them the face pics.
They mostly thought about what it meant for them to not know what my face looked like, but when it came to exchanging numbers that’s where the risk was all mine: They knew I was attracted to them, but I didn’t know if they would see my face and like it, or see it and decide never to talk to me again! As it happens everyone was polite 😉
One guy wanted to meet up without having seen my face at all – like a one-sided blind date! He was hot and we had good chat but when he tried to call and I didn’t answer or even see his call due to having no signal where I was over Christmas he got weird and that is a BIG turn off. No. Just no, don’t get whiney with me.
In the end I went out with 2 of the guys: One is a fireman and the other is The Shy One.
He is not the kind of guy I generally go for being shy. I’d normally go for the confident, bordering on arrogant guy – the kind of guy I grow to dislike, the kind of guy who makes every day an unknown quantity: will he be madly in love (lust) with me or will he not talk to me…? I don’t have that with The Shy One. He’s consistent. He’s caring. He’s responsible. He doesn’t want to “get it wrong”. He wants to know what I want to do and what I like. He wants to know I’m ok and he’s got these gorgeous eyes that hold my attention…
It feels like much longer than a month. But it has only been 1 month – December 30th was the day we first met although we’d been talking a fair bit before that.
I think I might have found one of the good ones who haven’t yet been snapped up… Well, finger’s crossed anyway!
The thing is, I’ve realised over the years that as women – bear with me on my massive generalisation here – we tend to think that every guy we start dating is right for us, so we worry about whether or not he likes us. Whereas actually what we need to do is enjoy the time we spend together and work out whether he is someone that we like and whether or not he is the type of guy who enhances our life.
Perhaps because I’ve been through marriage and divorce already I’m less willing to settle, and much more aware of what I want and what I don’t want in a relationship – not that a person is ‘bad’ or ‘good’, but that everyone is their own person, and the discovery is whether or not you make a great team, and if you don’t there is not much point trying to force it. The sooner you let go, the sooner you are open to finding someone who may just be the one who does enhance your life instead of dragging you down and sapping your energy (you know if I’m talking to you right now!)
The Shy One is discovering who I am and I’m discovering who he is. If one of us realises we’re not good for each other that will be ok… but for now it’s Jamie Oliver’s Cookery School and other date nights for us!
Hoping we all find love in 2017… because it would just be nice to have it 🙂
p.s. Yes, one guy sent me that gif !! haha