Yes, this post is about big dicks and little dicks of the physical kind.
Do not read on if you don’t like sex and Pecker talk! ha!
How many times do you hear people say “the size doesn’t matter, it’s what he does with it that counts!”
BAHAHAH! Really?! You want a guy with a GINORMOUS penis trying to fit it inside you?!
No, really? Well, we know Cass doesn’t 😉
In a previous house share I had a house-mate (still, great friend of mine who you have met before – Minx) whose job involves penises (penii or penes, whatever your preference).
A LOT of them…
Naturally when she would first start chatting to guys they’d ask what she does for work and inevitably they would talk about their Little Soldier and all their Joystick related issues.
She would then receive all manner of photographs of the Male Member. One evening – I was getting ready to go out on a date and I heard her gasp and laugh, and stifle it, and then call us girls.
I have NEVER seen anything like it. It literally, was like a 3rd leg.
Our mouths dropped open in astonishment as she showed us a photo of his flaccid penis draped over his thigh.
Honestly I have no idea how his – let’s call it Godzilla – could have made it into any woman’s lady garden unless of course she was crowned queen Vagasaurus.
Of course, we felt bad for him. You could even see the outline – sorry, gigantic bulge – in his normal photos. I wonder if he has ever managed to experience the ecstasy of climax from penetrative sex…
Personally, I have not experienced a penis on this level of BIG and I’m not sure how I’d react if I was ever faced with one. I would at least try not to laugh nervously… Try.
I have however, experienced the tiny ones. Their Lil’ Buddy. The Lion was one. Seemingly perfect in every other way (except for having time!! haha!) … sigh. Such a waste.
What must it be like if you are head over heels in love with someone and then discover they have such a teeny tiny Love Stick that you begin to wonder if you have the most vacuous vagina in the world?! How could you imagine spending your life having sex with that person.
Ok, ok he can go down on you, but to not feel anything going on down there… I don’t know.
I said I’d tell you about the Aussie.
- Fairly short – as in when I wear heels we’re the same height, so I feel like a giant instead of a fairy.
- No big biceps to hold onto me tight.
- No broad shoulders to make me feel protected.
- No sense of ambition in life.
I won’t go on… but all in all, not my ideal of attractive.
But, I’m being more open minded. We get on, get each other’s sense of humour, he’s done some pretty nice things for me when I was having a tough time, and he stroked my back! Yes, without even asking once, he did one of the things I love the most in the world. Stroked my back. Ahhhhh….
And then, he kissed my neck… ai ai ai… nothing can stop me now. Well, that’s what went on in my head at the time anyway.
Oh, and the kissing. You know when you just click with someone and the kissing is AMAZING and sends you into the stratosphere?! It was like that (I hope you’ve been kissed like that before. If not, dump whoever you’re with and go find that! JK)
But, and there is a big – or rather, a little but – he definitely does NOT have an Anaconda. I was like ‘Has it started yet? hmmm… Are you actually doing anything..?’ (no, not out loud!)
Oh no! How could it be?!
Suffice to say, this didn’t last long.
There was some other stuff that wasn’t ok. It wasn’t just the small dick. I’m not that shallow 😉
Rewind to Christmas time. I’d been dating an ex-pro footballer. Yes, I know!!
He wasn’t premier league or anything so no mansion in Cheshire for me! But there is a Wikipedia page about him and there are newspaper articles about him – and no, I’m not going to tell you who it is.
Super kind. Super interested. Made so much time for me. And he was HOT. Like on fire hot. Exactly the kind of guy I would look at and instantly think “oh yes, I’d have him” (I know you do that too!)
GREAT sized Torpedo – perhaps my favourite name so far. Good length and girth.
It was perfect. NOT long and pokey like the Californian non-committal-I-don’t-want-to-put-a-label-on-this-relationship-non-relationship guy I was dating the previous Christmas (both took me to Winter Wonderland which I LOVED!)
Sex with the Footballer was amazing, always. Well, two hotties together… – JK! We just ‘fit’ well together.
As kind, caring, smoking hot and interested as he was, his lack of ambition just killed it for me.
He had so much going for him, but now too old to continue at that professional level he didn’t have any ambition. Perhaps starting a kids football coaching academy, so I tried to encourage him in that. Nothing materialised. He worked in a factory.
Not very long ago he contacted me again and I asked if he’d made any progress on the business. Alas, he was still in the factory.
Oh, but he’s so hot… and we fit so well together… *dreaming*
I just can’t sustain a relationship with someone who will settle for something that is less than who they are. It’s uninspiring and ultimately boring. Harsh, I know.
So, the treasure hunt for the perfect guy for me continues.
What do you think about the size of the shaft?