The Ex files
When did it become appropriate to contact the new girl your ex is seeing or the girl your new guy was seeing before you?
In the age of Facebook stalking with such easily contactable options, it seems these (quite age mature) women feel a need to send me private messages.
Let’s talk the new girl in a guy I used to dates life.
I saw their flourishing albeit way too much information relationship all over Facebook and yes I admit to being enthralled in a creepy WTF kinda way.
Along with photos of every part of your days together including post-sex, naked photos from the chest up (of course or FB wouldn’t allow it), the roller coaster that this train wreck was riding on was definitely cringeworthy yet hard to look away from.
Now I know this guy very well. I know the issues that would arise but hey, that’s none of my business. I could predict the storyline without having to think about it, although I didn’t know I would become a part of it too!
I find it difficult to switch off caring about people who mean/meant something to me. I easily switch off from the type of care I have for them moving from romantic to friendship, but I still care. If someone did something terrible to me or was a generally bad person I guess it would be different .
One day I get a FB message asking if when I broke up with him (we were never BF/GF as far as I’m concerned although we were together. I won’t pretend I didn’t hope this at times, we had some beautiful moments) was he an absolute C-word to me? Yes the actual C-word word was used.
She went on to explain how horrible he had been to her verbally. Now I must add that we had had previous FB conversation. I am not one to ignore people so I will respond to a polite message. She wanted to know how long ago he and I had been together. She wanted to know why it ended. I was polite and suggested we don’t communicate as he would not like that and when she asked again saying she won’t tell him she spoke with me adding ‘I’m not a jealous person at all I just want to know’ (Ummmm…..????) I stopped replying.
When I didn’t reply she retorted ‘it’s ok I’ll just ask him then!’ (Ummmm…???) All I thought was ‘WOW I’d love to be a fly on that wall!’
At no point was it my place to say anything negative to anyone. They are together therefore that is their business. What I do understand though is that as human beings we have weaknesses. During times of emotional distress we can be known for acting in ways in a more neutral situation we would not. I’ve done it and as much as I wish I hadn’t been so weak and felt so helpless, it is a part of my life that makes me who I am today. I’m not perfect either but I will say, I would never interfere in someone else’s relationship. I am very protective however, especially of women and this is a weakness I don’t feel a need to defend. Regardless of whether it puts me in the bad books with someone, if a woman is In need of help, I will (carefully) do what I can to help her.
So when his new lady then messaged me as mentioned, I replied saying to her that she is welcome to call me if she would like to. She sounded very upset and the fact she reached out to me said a lot about her emotional state. Knowing what I know I was a little concerned.
She called me straight away and she was lovely on the phone. She was upset and needed to talk to someone who understood. I still never felt reason to say anything negative about him but was very ready to support her and listen and offer advice through first hand experience. I got her laughing again which made me feel better for her. She said she was not going back. The things she said he said to her were actually revolting and so disrespectful. I didn’t hear it first hand and I’d like to think it didn’t happen but she believed it did and it was her story I was listening to:
It’s something however I couldn’t share empathy with her over because to be completely fair to him, he never spoke to me with any such words or intent.
Anyway as expected, she went back to him. Why didn’t I engage in a written conversation with her? Texting is so easily misunderstood. I also never wanted written evidence of exchanged conversation to be edited and resent by an emotionally charged woman coming back at me!
When she broke up with him again I knew because she messaged me again.
Well that’s their story to continue. What I did want was for them both to be happy. Everyone deserves this. Clearly the universe didn’t agree.
Let’s skip to the next scenario – the woman who feels a need to sweetly write to you all apologetically and vent her upset about her ex whom you recently met on Tinder. Let’s be realistic here and acknowledge it isn’t difficult to meet men online. It’s taking some time to chat and get to know them that will either progress things or end things there and then.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago I was quite interested in. I did say to Arnia (see who Arnia is in the Dick Pic post) when we did the catch up during work at #rockwesr that there must be something wrong with him… There always is.
By this stage I was feeling a bit ‘Hmm, I’m not sure…’ about him. I liked a lot about him but I was getting an instinctive feeling telling me there was something that wasn’t quite right. Then after an afternoon nana nap, I found a message in my ‘others’ folder on FB so I opened it.
It didn’t take long and I rolled my eyes to myself and said ‘There it is’. The ex girlfriend of the Tinder guy is sending me messages now! For goodness sake .. Really?
Now, I don’t put romantic interest posts on FB and I don’t write with personal knowledge on any guys profile. There is no connecting footprints apart from friendships that anyone can see. My Facebook is very public and quite transparent for work and networking reasons. I like to keep some privacy for myself in real time. This means Miss ex girlfriend had done some intricate Facebook stalking and assumption making. She wanted to know if I met him online. She also disclosed personal information about them and their relationship. I believe a past is a past and those relationships have nothing to do with me. Also that I don’t want anything to do with them.
I again, feel it is rude to ignore people and let’s be honest, that can easily add fuel to an emotional woman’s fire. I replied with the following
No need to apologise
Yes I did meet him online
Unfortunately she thought this meant we were besties and she could have a running conversation about things with me so I replied to this with this
I’m sorry ‘Person’
This has nothing to do with me
I wanted to reply to just give you an honest answer
I don’t wish to be involved further
I think anything else is between you both and is not my concern
I received an oh well he is all yours and he is not happy I spoke to you Blah Blah message and I hoped that was it
Whatever is going on there is between them and nothing to do with me. What was discussed however did raise some concerns which I asked him about. It explained my trepidation and feeling of suspicion. I have a love/hate relationship with my instinct. I love how accurate it can be and dislike what disappointment it often brings with it.
So why does this happen? Why do women feel a need to contact me? Oh and by the way, apparently the ex of the recent guy ‘knows people – who know people – who know me’ and I am a SKANK.. Classy…. Not only does that show vindictive and immature behaviour but really? The word ‘skank’? I would use something more along the lines of ‘extremely attractive sought after strong intelligent single woman’ but hey, that’s just me. 😃
This was even after I absorbed all this behaviour and understood she was clearly upset and even asked him to message her to tell her it’s ok and he isn’t angry at her. I asked him to consider taking some responsibility for the part he played in this situation and not make her feel bad for it.
See, I think guys need to be a little more understanding of when women act so emotionally irrational, that they have played their part in getting them there. To all the guys who think women are crazy, you just may have been the last straw that made them that way. Did you ever think of that?
Read Psrt 2