Setting a Precedent

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So, you’re dying to find out what happened after probably the best first date ever..?!

Actually I’d want your opinion and advice so read through and leave me a comment below. Pretty please with a cherry on top πŸ™‚

As you know I’m divorced, I know myself pretty well and I have good understanding of what won’t work for me but sometimes I wonder if I might be missing out on something amazing because of my new-found “no-more and deleted” approach.

I know you’re sitting there thinking what the heck happened!

So, the day after the date I messaged G and said something along the lines of:

“Great to meet you yesterday and thank you again for organising what was possibly the best first date ever! Hope you didn’t get a fine on your car…?”

(When we were sitting chatting, watching the laser and hoola hoop game his alarm went off to pay for more parking. Unfortunately it said ‘you cannot park here for another 59 minutes. Enter a new location number.’ G calculated it would take him about 20 minutes to walk to the car by which time he probably would have gotten a ticket and then 20 minutes back which would have meant missing the Heist game. So he decided not to bother. That also won him brownie points!)

No reply by the evening. That’s ok, it’s not necessarily a text you need to reply to. Although if someone sent that to me I’d definitely say thanks and I had a great time too (unless I didn’t!)

That night I went to a salsa club in London and messaged him saying I was going if he fancied meeting up there: he’d been keen to go dancing together, having lived in Cuba and learned to dance cuban salsa (result!)

No answer.

Morning, nothing.

Ok, maybe something’s happened.

No, he’s read the messages (I have a love-hate relationship with WhatsApp).

Someone sent me a message on Inner Circle (yes that is another dating app – I’ll tell you more about those another day. Want an invite? Email me: 2singlegirlsdating@gmail.com) so I open the app and it opens onto the messages with G – my last conversation on there  -and it shows he’s online right now.

If you have time to be on there. You have time to reply to me. *RUDE!*

Now the done thing here is to just leave it.

But me being me, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to be the doormat who allows men (I’m sure women do it too) to continue this disrespectful behaviour. If they don’t learn, they keep doing it to others because they think it’s ok to just ignore people.

Not interested, that’s fine, but say so. Interested? Stop the games and be nice.

So I messaged him. Polite but firm. I didn’t mention that I’d seen him ‘online’. I did say if you have time to read the message, you have the 10 seconds it takes to reply. This isn’t going to work. Wish you well etc.

Number deleted. Messages deleted. (I’ll explain why I do that another day.)

After I finished teaching I had a missed call and a message from him asking me to call him when I had a moment.

We talked – laughed to start with. Then he laid into me saying he didn’t expect to be pressured to reply so soon. Then he said his grandmother had been sick. Then he said, you know I’m self-employed so emergencies happen all the time and so there’s going to be times when I don’t reply.

I let him go on listening in silence. I know what doesn’t sit right with me. He’s setting a precedent here of how he’s going to behave if I let it continue.

Then I said G, I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. Although that’s something I’ve heard before.

G jumps in, are you saying I’m using that as an excuse?

No, I just said I’ve heard it before. I don’t know whether that’s true or not – I can only go on what you say, but that’s beside the point.

If you were that pre-occupied you wouldn’t have had time to read the messages and I would have understood. But seeing as you did read them you would have had the 10 seconds it takes to reply and say ‘sorry, bad time. I’ll speak to you another day.’ Or whatever you would have wanted to say. It’s a conscious decision not to.

I’m sorry if you felt like I was demanding you respond to me (not quite sure how I did that?!) and if you felt I was being rude.

I understand being busy, as you know I also run my own business and my time is precious to me. I don’t appreciate people wasting it. I had work to finish Saturday afternoon for the webinar I was running Sunday morning but I chose to meet you and then was up late finishing that and up early. It’s a decision I made because I was interested to meet you.

I don’t expect anyone to reply instantly but at some point yes.

G said he would normally reply…probably within a day…that he had a fantastic time and would have loved to go dance salsa. He said it’s up to you. I won’t contact you again, the ball’s in your court.

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I’d already decided that was the end of it and he’s cemented that decision. We had a great first date, he’s a great guy but in my opinion he’s still got his head in the clouds and is using the game. I’m interested in men who know what they want and don’t need to be constantly worried they’re missing out on the next shiny girl, or thinking they need to play this stupid game to attract one.

I’ve trusted a lot of men – and instinctively continue to do so – but I have a good BS radar now and will call it when I see it.

A few months ago I probably would have just said ok and then contacted him again. Maybe seen him again. Maybe he would have done the same thing. I’d have got more irritated and stressed out. There’s no point. Dating needs to be fun and exciting!

But then again, it was possibly the best first date ever

What do you think?

SingleNaomi

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12 thoughts on “Setting a Precedent

  1. I8Apple4Dinner

    Sad to say this, but i guess he is not that into you.

    It is really true that if a guy likes you enough, he will make it happen, even if there is no time, because, you get to the top of his priority list. If he doesnt like you enough, you will simply not get his attention.

    I think he enjoys playing the field and dating is a game for him. He does not know what he wants, he enjoys just having numerous different women and hanging out with different one on a daily basis.

    Back then when mobile phone isnt a thing, a longer wait was acceptable but now, even if its just a short quick one to say not a good time, will send you proper response later can be fired quickly. Unless your phone battery is as rubbish as mine, which made me permanently linked to a socket, making it the most expensive LANDLINE.

    The fact that he opted to go on continual search online dating app for the next one…well…that said it all really.

    I think even if you gave him another chance and met up with him one more time, you would only confirm that its not going to work out between you two.

    But hey, that was a really good, fun, spontaneous, date, just a pity that didnt lead to anything more substantial.
    Enjoyed and treasured that good memory and experience.

    Dont let it upset you, just chalk it down to lack of chemistry, and certainly not on a same page.

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  2. Marie

    First thing that pops into my head, let this one go. It does not take ages to reply to a quick text. Start as you mean to go on. Trust your instincts. Let this one go. Enjoy the experience and moment of having had such a great first date the same way you would an amazing trip to a location you have visited. You might never visit there again but the experience of having seen it has added something of value in your life.

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  3. Ann

    Hmmm I probably would have done the same, I believe it’s courteous to acknowledge others. Obviously not on the same page as you Naomi. Shame as you say you had a good time together on your first date. I have some resources that you may find interesting that I used when I was dating, having been out of that scene for a looong time. I’m happy to email to you by all means use or critique to your hearts content 😊

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  4. Sarah Meeks

    I think you must go with your gut instinct! If you feel like he is a player, then he probably is!

    If your paths are meant to cross again, then they will, otherwise don’t dwell a second longer.

    Keep up the good fight!! 😘

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  5. Kmac397

    Completely agree with your decision, and “He’s just not that into you” also popped into my head. Also, our world is a world of digital communication and the etiquette is fairly clear. If you can’t talk, obviously understandable but it’s common courtesy to do like you said, state that, even if a brief “sorry, message you later next week”

    You are a rockstar for taking the approach you did. Soo many women, probably myself included while their gut tells them this person is a lying bastard … for whatever reason they choose to believe their excuse and even justify their bad behaviour to other people … in the end – noticing a big red warning flag that early and being amazing enough to say “NOPE” is pretty great.

    Congrats on being great πŸ™‚

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    • Thank you πŸ™‚ Honestly I’ve believed so many times… Perhaps at some point I’ll tell the story of someone who’s lies I believed for almost a whole year. We’re talking soap opera level here! I learned a massive lesson and won’t allow anyone to treat me like that again… Well I’ll do my best not to!!

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